


Jinx? Stands for Best Matchmaker Ever! Dur!

by Cinis



Category: League of Legends
Genre: F/F, F/M, Funny things, Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody, and a lot of T-rated fanservice, and explosions, basically just jinx running around, because jinx, but it's honestly too hard to update some of them, but kind of old jokes because this was written starting in season 3, crossposted from the other site, i'm trying but yeah, lots of slapstick, so some of the jokes were patch specific
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8278154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinis/pseuds/Cinis
Summary: Chapter 10: The WeddingStill down on one knee, Lux smiled winningly. "I know this isn't terribly romantic, but the fire marshal banned all candles within five miles of the Institute two weeks ago after that incident with Brand and the yordles, so it's not like we could have had a candle-lit anything. And I know that the ring I'm holding is the one you bought last week, but I wanted to propose to you, not the other way around, and it would have been silly if we both bought different rings. And I know we've only been together a few months, but we both read that fanfic, so we know that this is really true love. So will you marry me?"[This fic was originally posted on fanfiction.net between November, 2013 and July, 2014. It will be posted here one chapter at a time as I attempt to update some of the jokes for 2016 and also adapt them to the Ao3 meta.]





	1. Caitlyn x Vi

MONDAY NIGHT

"Hey Jace! Power slam!" Vi shouted. She grabbed her shot of… whatever it was Gragas had given her (vodka? gin? vodka-gin? vodka-gin-whiskey-redbull? pssh, it didn't matter) and tossed it to the back. Across the table, Jayce did the same. His face contorted in one direction, then untwisted itself and contorted in the other direction, then-

Caitlyn nimbly leapt out of the way as Jayce sprayed alcohol all over Vi's face. "What the hell was that, Jawline?" Vi demanded as she wiped warm jaeger off her face. Thankfully the League bar had a zero-tolerance policy for weapons so she wasn't attempting to clean herself with her gauntlets on. She'd tried that once. It hadn't ended well.

"Sharp shooting, if I may so myself," Caitlyn said, not even trying to hide her smirk.

Jayce ignored both of them and got up to stomp over to Gragas. It was a Monday night, so the place was empty and it was easy to get the ginger's attention. Jayce slammed his empty shot glass down on the bar so hard the glass cracked. "I said rum, not jaeger!"

The beer-bellied bartender looked at the Defender of Tomorrow and blinked as if in a very dense fog. "Jaeger? You want… more jaeger?" Gragas burped purple and then keeled over, black out drunk.

Jayce let out a disgusted sigh before leaping over the bar to pour himself a drink. What did he want? Hm. He cast his eyes over the League stock (top of the shelf, all of it) and grinned. Dry martini, shaken, not stirred, coming right up.

When Jayce returned to the table… there wasn't a table anymore. There was a broken table, snapped neatly in two, and the signs of a struggle. Confused, he looked around. It didn't take long to locate Olaf, brandishing a pitcher and chanting, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

And then there was Caitlyn clinging to Vi's back like a koala, trying to restrain the much stronger woman (a fairly common sight, actually), and there was Jinx, standing a few feet away from Vi and striking runway poses while grinning like a maniac.

Jayce's eyes narrowed. This could mean only one thing.

Jayce switched his drink to his left hand, smoothed his hair with his right hand, and sauntered over. "Hey ladies, don't worry, there's enough of me to go around."

Caitlyn was focused on not letting Vi rip Jinx limb from limb and thus was not prepared to stop the pink haired demon from knocking Jayce to the floor with a vicious uppercut.

"KABOOM!" Olaf shouted.

Beneath Caitlyn's weight and the weight of goodness knew how many shots, Vi stumbled forward one step at a time. "Damn Cait, right there, wanted criminal!"

Caitlyn grimaced and hugged Vi tighter. "We're at the League. She has diplomatic immunity here!"

"Yeah, well, it's a bar fight, cupcake! Accidents happen! Like my fist accidentally breaking her face!"

Jinx smirked and thrust her hips out suggestively. "Cupcake? Is that what you call her in bed?"

Caitlyn let go. All hell broke loose.

TUESDAY NIGHT

"Hey Jayce! Power slam!" Vi shouted as she knocked back her shot.

Jayce glared at her. His mouth was wired shut and he was drinking his whiskey and coke through a straw. Soraka could have healed his fractured jaw instantly, but instead she'd said something about bar fights and learning lessons. She'd said the same thing to Vi, who was now taking her shots left handed. Not that it slowed her in the least (ambidextrous, bitch!)

Caitlyn alone had emerged from the previous night's activities unscathed. She eyed both of her companions with a look of smug satisfaction as she sipped her Firefly from a teacup.

Finding herself out of alcohol and nowhere near inebriated enough, Vi got up and stumbled to the bar. She slurred out her order to Gragas and the still-sober-enough-to-pour bartender gave her a pint of Graggy.

When Vi returned to the table, she had to blink once or twice to make sure she was actually seeing what she was seeing. There was a blue haired devil sitting in her seat.

"What. Is. Going. On." Vi demanded.

Jinx turned and grinned. "Oh hey fat hands. Why don't you pull up a chair? Hat lady was just telling me about all the hot sex you two have!"

"I was doing nothing of the sort!" Caitlyn protested.

"Oh," Jinx purred. She leaned toward Caitlyn and grinned suggestively. "So you're single?"

Vi saw red. And she did pull up a chair. She pulled up a chair right over Jinx's head.

"So that's a yes?" Jinx groaned from the floor.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT – ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

"Hello, my name is Vi," said Vi.

"Hello Vi," chorused half the entire League. The Alcoholics Anonymous program was compulsory for anyone who wanted to use the League bar. The summoners had gotten tired of champions showing up to matches too sloshed to last hit. Or maybe it was the summoners who were too sloshed? Whatever the case, AA meetings were mandatory.

"I haven't had any alcohol in sixteen hours."

There was enthusiastic clapping. Truly, Vi was a model to them all.

"Next!" called Gragas, the facilitator.

"Hello, my name is Caitlyn," said Caitlyn. "And I do not have a drinking problem. Thank you."

Sporadic, confused applause.

"Next!"

Kog'maw waddled up to the podium and ate it.

There was then much screaming and panicking and fleeing of the area.

Kog'maw looked around and gurgled unhappily. Where had all its friends gone? They'd all looked so tasty!

Gragas crawled out from behind a curtain and poured some of Kog'maw's trail into a vial. You never knew what might make the next greatest liquor.

THURSDAY NIGHT

Jinx crept stealthily into the bar. Subtlety wasn't her strong suite, but sometimes it took a bit of hiding to set up the fireworks. Tonight the place was crowded, thirsty Thursday and all, so finding her mark was a little harder than it had been the past few days.

But wait, there! A flash of pink! Jinx walked over to the table Vi had just left and plopped down in the enforcer's seat. Casually she leaned over to Caitlyn. "Hey there hat lady."

Caitlyn eyed her suspiciously and took a sip from her teacup of booze. "Hello Jinx." The Sheriff took another sip. "I trust you have some sort of plan."

Jinx scoffed. "Me? Plan? HAHAHAH!"

Caitlyn twitched. "At your rate of progress, the only thing you will accomplish is getting us all expelled from this bar. Keep in mind that you will not be paid if you do not succeed."

"I know what I'm doing, hat lady. HAHA, no I don't!" Jinx looked around wildly. "Oh, look, it's my favorite waste of bullets coming back! Play along, hat lady." The maniac dragged her chair over so that it was right next to the Sheriffs and she slung an arm around Caitlyn's shoulders.

At the same table, Jayce's eyes bugged out as he looked from one woman to the other and he made some sort of muffled screamish noises in the back of his throat. His jaw was still wired shut.

"Get your hands off of her!" Vi screamed. She upended her drink all over Jinx's head to get the point across just a little more forcefully.

Jinx ignored the spilled drink and jumped into Caitlyn's lap. "Getting territorial?" she asked. "Don't know why, I heard she's single."

Caitlyn, for her part, was doing her best not to hyperventilate from the combination of shock, confusion, and invasion of personal space.

In the blink of an eye, Vi was on Jinx, strangling her, and chanting "Anger management, anger management, anger mana-FUCK THIS SHIT! VI STANDS FOR VIOLENCE!"

FRIDAY NIGHT

Since, after the last two times, Vi was unwilling to leave the table lest Jinx steal her seat, Caitlyn was forced to get their drinks. Jinx met her at the bar.

"How'ya doin' hat lady?"

"The deal is off," Caitlyn declared. "You have obviously proved unable to deliver."

"Aw, don't be like that," Jinx whined. "One more shot? Pleeeaaassseeeee?" She brought out her best puppy dog eyes. They were demented. Hopefully not stolen from a real puppy. "I won't even ask you to pay me! Think of it as a family discount! Think of how badly Vi needs to get laid! Do it for the team!"

Caitlyn ground her teeth in a most un-ladylike manner. "Fine."

"YAY!" Jinx crowed. "You're not gonna regret it, hat lady. Or maybe you will." She grabbed Caitlyn's belt and dragged the woman back to Vi's table.

"What do you think you're doing?" Caitlyn hissed.

"Winning!" Jinx declared. She tapped Vi on the top of the head. "Hey fat hands!"

Vi spun around with fire in her eyes. "WHAT?!"

Jinx grinned. "Bet you've always wanted to do this!" She wrapped her hands around the back of Caitlyn's neck and pulled the Sheriff into a great, big, sloppy, kiss. With lots of tongue.

Caitlyn flailed.

Vi flailed.

Jinx went flying. Like, actually flying. Straight over the heads of the other patrons flying.

When Jinx made it back to the table, Vi had Caitlyn bent backwards over said table and the two were making out. Heavily. Jayce, jaw still wired shut, had his phone and was taking lots of pictures.

Jinx cleared her throat loudly. Vi and Caitlyn stopped making out to glare at her. Jinx grinned. Jinx pulled a banner out of hammerspace that said "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"

Vi let Caitlyn up from the table. "Mission accomplished? What the hell?"

Jinx bowed extravagantly. "Jinx! Stands for 'Best matchmaker ever!' Dur! My rates are quite affordable."

Vi spluttered. "Someone paid you to… Who?"

The amount of shit that Jinx could eat with her shit eating grin was astronomical. "Vi stands for stooopid! Poor hat lady was just getting so sexually frustrated-

"I was no such thing!" Caitlyn cut in.

Vi rounded on Caitlyn. "You hired that turd to set us up? Why would you do that? Why didn't you just say something?"

Caitlyn's eye twitched. "I said, 'Do you want to play with my fuzzy cuffs?' and you said, 'No, I want to fix the hydraulics in my left gauntlet.' I said, 'Oh dear Vi, the second shower is broken and we only have fifteen minutes before we have to go!' and you said, 'God made dirt, dirt don't hurt.' I said, 'Vi, would you like to go on a romantic dinner on Friday, just the two of us?' and you said, 'No, I-

"Yup, sexually frustrated," Jinx cut in. "Hey, hat lady, what color do you think Vi's underwear is? Pink?"

Vi's eyes narrowed. She leaned over and gave Caitlyn a quick peck on the cheek. "Just a sec cupcake." She cracked her knuckles and advanced on Jinx. "I promise I'll be right back."


	2. Riven x Lux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't figure out how to edit this chapter such that the original context no longer mattered. Basically, the fanfic the characters are talking about in this chapter is a very old Riven/Lux fic on fanfiction.net (that was actually from the League forums) that has sort of become de facto "that fic" for the pairing. If you like the pairing, it's pretty decent. It's called "Guiding Light" and the penname the author used was "Salvadora11."

**Monday – The Infirmary**

"I want my guns!" Jinx screamed. She was sitting in a hospital bed, chained to said bed (for her own safety), covered in bandages.

"No," said Soraka as she wheeled the cart carrying all of Jinx's guns and more than the girl's weight in ammo away. "You cannot heal while surrounded by violence."

"But Fishbones!" Jinx whined. "How can I live without my Fishbones? Who'll whisper sweet nothings into my ear?" She flopped backwards onto her bed. "Fishbones! Please banana lady, please, I'm beggin' you!"

"You may retrieve your weapons when you have recovered from your self-inflicted burns," Soraka said sternly before leaving the small room.

"Grr, they weren't self-inflicted, Fishbones just had diarrhea," Jinx grumbled.

For a while Jinx just lay in bed. Boredboredboredboredbored. She'd tried picking the lock on her chains. She'd tried breaking it. She'd tried eating it. Nothing worked. And now she was stuck in a stupid white stupid boring stupid stupid room that smelled like stupid antiseptic. "Imma little coconut sittin' on the coco ground – people come step on me, that 'tis why I'm cracked you see…"

"Need some help, darling?"

Jinx sat up. "FISHBONES!" She looked around and saw Jayce, mouth newly un-wired. "Oh, it's just you, hammer face."

"Now is that any way to greet your savior?" Jayce asked suavely, putting on his most seductive Jayce-face. Or so he thought. And that was all that really mattered. Also, he was going to assume that 'hammer face' was some sort of compliment about his rugged, manly, jaw line.

"Haven't saved me yet, hammer face," Jinx said.

Jayce grinned and strutted into the hospital room. "You haven't agreed to my terms and conditions yet, sweetheart."

"What do you want?"

"Well, I hear you're quite the matchmaker," Jayce began.

"I'm not helping you with hat lady," Jinx snapped. "Nope. I put way too much work into that one. Unless you want a threesome…" Jinx eyed him. "I don't think Vi would go for it, even if I shot her."

Jayce flinched. He hadn't been planning on asking for help with Cait, but it still stung that the sheriff had chosen some ruffian over him, Piltover's great Defender of Tomorrow. Ah, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! At least he'd gotten some steamy pics out of it. "No, I want you to get Riven and Lux together."

"Who and who?" Jinx asked. Then she shrugged. "Sure, whatever, just get me out of here."

Jayce did some sorta techna-who-jiggy on the lock and poof Jinx was free. The blue haired maniac jumped out of bed, stretched, and headed for the door.

"Wait!" Jayce called. "How are you going to do it?"

Jinx rolled her eyes. "Do what?"

"Hook Riven and Lux up."

"Why would I do that?"

"You just said you would," said Jayce, flabbergasted.

"Yeah, so?"

Jayce sighed. He'd half expected this. And that was why he, one of the greatest minds from Piltover, had come prepared. He pulled out his iPad. "Just read this fanfic, you'll want to do this after you read it. It's that good."

Jinx eyed the iPad warily. It wasn't that she didn't want to read it, per se, just that she was super bad at sitting still. "What'll you give me to read it?"

Jayce grinned. "I have cameras in Caitlyn's apartment."

"DEAL!"

Just as Jayce had predicted, Jinx read the fanfic and then totally wanted Riven and Lux to get together as soulmates because the fanfic really was quite excellent. It was fortunate that the fic was good enough to convince Jinx because, as it turned out, Jayce's "cameras in Caitlyn's apartment" were only in the kitchen. They were great for cheating off the sheriff on the daily crossword puzzle and not much else.

"I'm not a perv!" Jayce said defensively.

Jinx rolled her eyes.

And so it was that Operation Rux (copyright Jayce, Defender of Tomorrow, please direct all royalties appropriately) was begun.

**Tuesday – Meditation Rooms**

"Was that fic good or was that fic good?" Jayce asked loudly in the empty marble hallway outside the Institute's meditation rooms. "Couldn't have been better if I'd done it myself."

Jinx glared. "Be wery, wery, quiet," she whispered, "we're hunting Wivens. We need to know if she's ready for the rest of her life." She flitted from door to door, peering through windows into the dimly lit chambers beyond. The rooms were dark and quiet and really not Jinx's thing at all. "Is this her?" she asked. "She's got white hair and looks super serious."

Jayce looked into the room. He gulped nervously. "That's Diana. Let's not bother her."

"Aw, but she looks fun!" Jinx said.

"But think about how much more fun Riven will be," Jayce countered. There were some champions in the League he never wanted to piss off. Diana was one of them. The chick had no sense of humor.

Mollified, Jinx continued on to the next one. "Oh, this one's gotta be her!"

Jayce checked. Riven was in the center of the room moving her arms and legs around slowly with her eyes closed. It was some Ionian meditation thing – Jayce never really paid attention to that stuff though. "Yes, that's her."

"Great!" Jinx crowed. She ripped the door off its hinges and bounced into the peaceful room. Stopping in front of a very confused Riven, she pulled out an issue of Cosmo. "So, Riven, if you could just answer some questions… I'm just checking for your girlfriend potential."

"Ah…" Riven said, laying a hand on the hilt of her broken sword but otherwise remaining motionless. She could attack. She could run. She could stand her ground. She could do all those things – but for the moment she was mostly concerned with figuring out what the hell was going on and with what sort of demon she was faced.

Jinx looked at Riven over a pair of imaginary glasses. "Now, being a primo partner requires fortitude and flexibility. Are you ready to find out if you have the winning combo? Yes? GREAT! Now. Today is your beau's birthday. What do you get her?"

"Huh?" Riven stammered.

"Dinner at a hip place, your treat? Good choice, good choice…" Jinx said. "You and a girl have plans for Saturday night, until she calls and says her Demacian buddies are in town. You do what?"

"What are you-

"Worry she'll hit on other chicks? Good, good…" Jinx muttered as she made a note in her magazine. "Your girl calls you, freaking out. You…"

Jayce shoved Jinx aside. "I've got a faster plan." He leered at Riven. "You know, the only thing bigger than my ego is my hammer. Do you have plans for tonight? Because," he gestured to himself and took a step forward into Riven's personal space, "you're looking at your tomorrow morning."

Riven tightened her grip on her sword. She didn't want to get into a fight in the meditation rooms of the Institute, but she also really didn't like where Jayce's hands were headed. "You're about to cross a line," she warned.

Jayce either couldn't take a hint or didn't want to take a hint. "Your place or mine? Because I know no one can say no to the Jayce face." He reached over and -

It turned out Riven could say no to the Jayce face.

Jinx and Jayce landed in a grassy field some distance from the Institute of War. Jayce looked to Jinx and said, "Yeah, she's definitely a lesbian."

**Wednesday - Demacian Training Grounds**

Jinx and Jayce tiptoed into a large bush under one of the trees that circled the Demacian training yard and crouched down. Many matches on Summoner's Rift had taught them well. Tall grass was the most effective place to hide in all of Runeterra, beating out shadows, sketchy motels, and remote monasteries by a wide margin. Not too far from the bush, the champions of Demacia were assembled in front of a host of freshly recruited summoners standing at attention in lines across the yard. Jayce lifted up his iPad and started filming. "The one with the big sword – not as big as my hammer – is Garen," he said. "Lux is the cheerleader. Jarv-

"What- _ever_ ," Jinx cut in. She peered out of the brush. "That fic made her seem taller. Huh."

"The first and most important thing any Demacian soldier needs to know," Garen boomed as he paced back and forth in front of the recruits, "Is how to charge into battle, striking fear into the hearts of our enemies."

Leaning against a tree a short distance away, Vayne pinched the bridge of her nose and grimaced. Quinn pulled out a set of earplugs for herself, and then a tiny set of birdy earplugs for Valor.

"We'll begin with a demonstration," Garen announced. He took a deep breath, puffing up his chest, and shouted, "DEMACIA!" When he finished he smiled and looked around at the frightened recruits. "Your turn, your majesty."

Jarvan stepped up. He took a deep breath. And then he leapt forward so that he was standing in the face of one poor, terrified, recruit. "DEMACIAAAAAAAAA!" The recruit fainted. Jarvan walked back to the front of the yard and Garen gave him a high five.

Now it was Lux's turn. She stepped up and bowed before bellowing, "DEMAAAACIAAAAAA!"

The screen on Jayce's iPad cracked.

Garen applauded his sister and wiped away a tear. Little Lux, all grown up and fighting for king and country! He couldn't be prouder. "Your turn, Fiora," the Might of Demacia commanded.

Fiora crossed her arms over her modest bosom. Her eyes narrowed. "Non."

"But-

"Non."

"Please? For Dema-"

"NON!" Fiora turned and stomped off. "Zis is a vaste of time an' _dignity_."

As Fiora walked past, Vayne joined her. The pointless training session was cutting into her brooding and if she stayed outside much longer she might start to burn.

Not to be defeated, Garen turned to Sona.

Sona glared.

Garen backed away slowly. "Shyvana?" he asked.

The half dragon rolled her eyes. "Demacia," she said.

"Hm," said Garen. "Passable, but needs work. Next! Quinn!"

Quinn sat on the grass, making daisy chains.

"Quinn!" Garen shouted.

Quinn ignored him.

"QUINN!" Garen screamed with all his Demacian might and fury.

Valor squawked indignantly and Quinn took out an earplug. "What is it, Valor?"

"Quinn, it's your turn," Garen said, indicating the recruits.

"Oh," said Quinn. "Demacia." She put her earplug back in and returned to making daisy chains.

Back in the bush, Jinx yawned. "Boooring," she whined. "How are we supposed to do recon if they don't do anything?"

"Be quiet," Jayce demanded. "If Lux would just step back a little I can get this camera under her skirt…"

Jinx rolled her eyes and started going through her bag. Soraka may have temporarily confiscated her weapons, but that didn't mean she didn't have a few tricks up her sleeve. Not that she had a sleeve. Well, she had a sleeve of tattoos and what better place to keep tricks?

Jayce glanced over. "What are you doing? What do you have in there?" His eyes widened when he saw Jinx had a handful of proximity mines and other assorted explosives. His life flashed before his eyes and he backed away as much as the bush would let him. "Where did you get those?"

"Ziggs," Jinx said. "We're biffles." She smiled and then flung the contents of her bag out onto the field.

The pandemonium and explosions were instantaneous.

Jinx giggled maniacally as Garen danced over the minefield and Jarvan cowered under an earthen bulwark he'd created to hide behind. The novice summoners screamed and ran.

Unfortunately, Jinx had only brought so many bombs and the chaos only lasted so long.

"In that bush!" Quinn yelled.

The handful of mildly singed and very irate champions surrounded Jinx and Jayce's hiding place.

"DEMACIA!"

**Thursday – Caitlyn's Apartment**

Vi woke up with a yawn and wiggled out of Caitlyn's koala hug to use the bathroom. As she walked past the kitchen she stopped. "Hey, cupcake!"

Caitlyn groaned and tried to pretend she hadn't heard anything.

"Didn't you leave your gun on the table last night?"

**Thursday – The Gardens, Rooftop**

"I don't get it," said Jayce. He and Jinx were perched on the edge of the roof of the Institute of War. Below them were the gardens that every champion had to walk through on their way to any part of the complex.

Jinx rolled her eyes and adjusted the tripod on Caitlyn's sniper rifle. "Stop being stupid hammer face. It's super simple. I'm going to shoot Riven. Lux will notice and at the last second she'll shield her soulmate and that's how they'll discover true love. Duh."

"That's not how it happened in the fic," said Jayce.

Jinx rolled her eyes – this was real life, duh - and pulled the trigger.

**Thursday – The Gardens**

Riven shouted and dropped to the ground, clutching her knee.

**Thursday – The Gardens, Rooftop**

"That didn't work," said Jayce. "Lux was all the way across the field. She probably didn't even know Riven was there."

"Oh well," said Jinx. "Guess I'll just have to shoot Lux too. Then they'll be twinsies!" She pulled the trigger again.

**Thursday – The Gardens**

Shot in the foot, Lux screamed and toppled over.

**Thursday – The Infirmary**

Caitlyn frowned and wrote something in her notebook. "So both of you were assaulted while in the gardens?"

Riven and Lux, in adjacent hospital beds, nodded. Soraka had already come and gone. As their injuries had not been inflicted due to excessive stupidity, neither of them had been penalized for showing up broken.

Caitlyn frowned. "And on the same day my rifle was stolen. Curious." She snapped her notebook closed. "Well, I'm on the case."

Sitting casually on one of the vacant beds, Vi rolled her eyes. "It's open and shut. Jinx did it."

"We have no evidence of that," Caitlyn protested.

"Except that it's obviously Jinx," countered Vi. "I just know."

Caitlyn sighed. "Excellent use of deductive reasoning, dear."

Vi's face brightened. "So you believe me?"

"No," Caitlyn said.

"Excuse me," Lux cut in. "But Jinx and Jayce were hanging around the Demacian compound suspiciously yesterday."

Riven frowned. "If this Jinx is pale with long blue braids, she disturbed my meditation earlier this week. She was with Jayce and they were both being very invasive."

"I see," Caitlyn said. "Perhaps, Vi, you were not incorrect. I know what they're up to."

"Just go ahead and admit it," Vi taunted. "I totally told you so."

Caitlyn ignored her partner. "Now, Riven, Lux, if you'll indulge me, I have a plan…"

**Friday – The Infirmary – oh dark thirty**

Jinx crept through the empty ward, ducking behind vacant beds and keeping to the shadows. Voices drifted to her ears.

"Oh Riven…"

"Lux… Lux… Oh, how does your back bend like that? Ohhhh…"

Jinx giggled triumphantly.

A beam of light cut through the darkness and the blue haired devil was snared. The fight was over almost as soon as it started. Riven hit her with some sort of energy burst and then smashed the hilt of her sword over the back of Jinx's head.

Jinx awoke handcuffed, surrounded by Vi, Caitlyn, Riven, and Lux. Jayce, her partner in crime, was nowhere to be seen. Jinx pouted. Trust a guy that suave to bail when she needed him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Caitlyn demanded.

Jinx rolled her eyes. "I ain't sayin' nuthin' hat lady!"

Vi moved to grab Jinx by the lapels but then realized she couldn't because all Jinx ever wore was a bra and shorts. The enforcer had to content herself with snarling in her rival's face. "It's a shame. I've got two fists, but you've only got one face. Talk, bitch."

Jinx blew a raspberry.

Lux stepped up. "If you'll allow me?" She gently pushed Caitlyn and Vi aside. "Jinx, were you trying to set Riven and me up?" Lux asked.

"May-be, may-be not," Jinx answered impishly. Her eyes suddenly narrowed. "Good cop bad cop isn't going to work on me!"

"Why were you doing that?" Lux asked.

"I-

Jinx was cut off by a scuffling noise just outside the room. In a flash, Riven had dashed out and smashed whoever-it-was's face in. "Whoever-it-was" turned out to be Jayce. As Riven dragged him over to the gathering, he smiled weakly. "Shocking..." he muttered.

"Jayce, maybe you have some answers for us," Caitlyn prodded.

"Well, you know me," Jayce began, "I just can't say no to a pretty woman. Jinx and I read this terrific fanfiction, and we just knew it was meant to be."

"Riven and Lux are totally soulmates," Jinx piped in. "I can just see it in their eyes! They're so dreamy! It makes me so happy I could just blow someone up!"

Caitlyn rolled her eyes. "If you two promise to just stop and get over this, I'll let you go."

"You can't just do that!" Vi protested. "Jinx is a criminal, she shot innocent people, she needs to be punished! We should lock her up!"

"Oh, kinky," Jinx mocked.

Caitlyn only just managed to keep Vi from knocking some teeth out. "Vi, stop! We still don't have enough evidence to arrest her. All we've caught her doing is sneaking around the hospital at night. Jinx, Jayce, do you agree? I think we all just want to go home and get some sleep."

Jinx wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Sleep? Sure that's what you want to go home and do."

Jayce slapped a hand over Jinx's mouth. "That's an excellent idea," he said. "Let's all just go home and forget this happened."

"Wait," said Riven. "This fanfic you mentioned. Can I read it?"

**Friday – The Bar**

"And that's how I got Lux and Riven together," said Jinx to Ziggs. She pointed over to the Demacian table where Lux was holding the hand of a rather shy Riven while introducing her to Garen, Jarvan, and the rest. Garen's face was a lovely shade of mauve and he was clearly hyperventilating.

Ziggs took a sip of his root beer and settled farther back into their booth. "The fanfic did all the work."

"Yeah, but I blew stuff up until they asked me for the fic and read it," said Jinx. With a pink children's straw she blew some bubbles into her Fireball and Dr. Pepper. "But whatever. Destroy anything cool lately?"


	3. Garen x Demacia

**Friday – The Bar**

Quinn handed Garen a paper bag. The other Demacians at the table, Jarvan IV, Fiora, and Valor, all looked at their falling comrade with varying amounts of sympathy and annoyance.

Lux pulled Riven closer to herself and smiled at her hyperventilating brother. "And I wanted to tell you all because I just knew you'd be happy for us."

Riven leaned into her girlfriend and whispered, "Are you sure this was the best way to tell them?"

Lux kept smiling, showing all her pearly white teeth. "I have everything under control."

For a long time the table was silent but for Garen's labored breathing.

Finally Quinn ventured, "You're… very… uhm, cute together."

The paper bag was not enough. Garen passed out.

Jarvan shook his head and took control of the situation just like his leadership training course taught him. "Fiora, Quinn, take Garen back to his room. He's had enough for tonight. Luxanna, Riven, sit."

Fiora stood and nodded to Riven and then kicked the fallen Garen disdainfully. "Do not worry. We Demazians are not all like 'im."

Between Quinn and Fiora, the two women were able to drag their comrade inch by inch out of the bar. ("How does he *huff* move in all this *puff* armor?" "I fear ze answer, mon ami!")

"How did this come about?" Jarvan asked. Riven opened her mouth to speak, but he silenced her by raising his hand majestically. "I want to hear this from Luxanna."

Lux began, "From the very first moment I saw her-

"The truth, Luxanna," Jarvan ordered.

"Well, Jinx, and there's this fanfic…"

**Saturday- Garen's Room - Morning**

Garen woke with a start. He'd had the most atrocious nightmare! Lux, his little Lux, had told him she was… she was… Oh it was too horrible to imagine! He hugged his Demacian blankie to his chest.

But on that subject, he thought, he really should get Demacian coffee with her or something. Maybe they could go to the Demacia store at the mall. Girls liked shopping, right? They hardly ever did any sort of sibling bonding activities and his therapist had told him that hobbies and family time were important to being a well-rounded Demacian. (He wasn't crazy, mind you. Every Demacian champion regularly visited a Demacian shrink by order of the prince – Jarvan had said so and such a paragon of Demacian values would never lie. It would be positively un-Demacian. It was strange though that Garen had never seen any of the other Demacians going to therapy.)

**Saturday – Outside Lux's Apartment – Morning**

Garen walked over to his sister's quarters while happily whistling the Demacian anthem. He was about knock on her front door when he heard voices from within.

Now, Garen wasn't an eavesdropper but he did have a perfectly healthy interest in his sister's wellbeing. So he hesitated and listened. For the sake of Demacia.

"Will your brother be alright?"

"He'll get over himself."

"He seemed very upset last night."

"There's a reason J4 has him in therapy."

"He's in therapy?"

"Did you know he only buys things when they have a 'Made in Demacia' sticker on them? Mother and father were very worried, so they asked the prince to-"

Garen could take no more. Lux was implying that not every Demacian went to see a shrink! She was implying Jarvan was a liar! He pounded on the door. "Lux!" he called.

There was a sound of frantic scrambling on the other side of the door.

"Just a minute!" Lux shouted. Barely audible through the door, she added, "Shit, what did we do to your shirt?"

Garen waited a minute. And then another minute. But still Lux didn't open the door.

Suddenly from within he heard -

"Watch out!"

"What?"

"We broke the-

"OW! OWWWWW!"

Oh Demacia! Lux was in danger! "I'm coming in!" he shouted (it was only polite). Garen tried the doorknob. Not surprisingly, it was locked. But little things like locks couldn't stop the might of Demacia. He kicked the door down.

The sight that greeted him turned his blood to ice. A Noxian was threatening his defenseless little sister! All he saw was red. Good thing he never left home without his sword.

"DEMACIA!"

"AHHHHH!"

"GAREN!"

A shield of light shot out from Lux's hands and enveloped Riven before Garen could decapitate her.

A mostly clothed Lux and a mostly clothed Riven had been trying to figure out which of Lux's tops would fit Riven's muscular shoulders without ripping in half.

"Garen, what are you doing?" Lux demanded.

Garen drew his sword back and swung again. Nope. The shield was still there. He was about to try a third time when suddenly Lux was standing in between him and the Noxian.

"Garen! Stop!" Lux shouted. When it looked like he was going to try to get around her, she stomped her foot down. "Garen D. Crownguard, you put that sword down this instant. You are in my apartment and I will not tolerate your childishness!"

Garen lowered his sword. "But there's a Noxian. She was threatening you. I have to kill her. For Demacia."

Lux let out a disgusted sigh. "Garen. Riven is my friend. My very good friend. My very good friend whom I am dating."

"But she's a Noxian."

Lux pointed at Riven. "Friend."

Garen pointed at Riven. "Noxian."

Lux grit her teeth and pointed again. "Frieeeeennnnnd."

Riven gave up trying to find a shirt that would fit and took Lux's blue bedsheet instead. "Ah, I'll just be going then," she mumbled. "You two are clearly having a moment." As she slunk down the hall away from Lux's quarters, the lively sibling conversation echoed behind her:

"Noxxxxxian."

"Friennndddd."

"Noxxxxxxxiannnnnn."

Riven was still listening to the siblings bicker when she bumped into someone. Mortified, she tried to hide her face. Maybe she should have kept trying to find a shirt that fit instead of taking a sheet decorated with a Demacian crest the size of Jayce's ego.

Olaf looked at Riven, then looked at the sheet, then looked at Riven. Then he laughed. "Way to go, bro!" And then he gave her a fist bump and walked off.

At least, she thought, it was better than standing around half-naked while Garen and Lux pointed at her and grunted. But then it wasn't just Olaf.

Everywhere Riven went on her way back to her room people noticed the sheet.

Miss Fortune winked and waved. Vi and Jayce both gave her a high five. Ezreal's bottom lip wobbled and he started sniffling. Ahri blew her a kiss. Draven laughed. Nasus looked at her then scrunched up his nose. The yordles all stopped squeaking at each other and just _stared_. Had the entire League assembled just to watch her shuffle home?

When Riven finally got back to her room she slammed the door shut and locked it. She had faced down every champion of the League on the Rift, survived Singed's bombardment on the now-blighted fields of Ionia... but the walk of shame was probably at the top of her list of things she never wanted to do again.

**Saturday – Jarvan IV's Quarters – Afternoon**

Sullen, Garen knocked on Jarvan's door. His conversation with his sister had been unproductive. He had not managed to impress upon her the importance of not consorting with Noxians. But surely prince Jarvan could do something!

"Enter!" Jarvan called out.

Garen opened the door to find his prince seated in front of a laptop and staring intently at the screen.

"Yes, Garen?" Jarvan prompted, eyes never once leaving his computer. "Make it quick. Luxanna introduced me to this thing called fanfiction last night. It is very important. Some of these fics are almost as epic as me." He glanced up for a moment. "If you really feel so strongly about Katarina, you could have said something."

"Your majesty," Garen began, "You know that I hate Katarina. She is a Noxian. But this is about my sister. Lux. I fear for her safety. She's consorting with someone who, like Katarina, is a Noxian."  
Jarvan closed his laptop and directed his full attention to his friend. "Luxanna is of an age to make romantic decisions for herself," he scolded.

"But… Noxus. Demacia!" Garen spluttered.

"Garen, I forbid you from harassing your sister about who she decides to love," Jarvan ordered. He muttered under his breath, "Really, I thought I'd have to tell you to stop bothering her about being gay, not about this…"

"Gay?"

Jarvan choked. "You know what gay means, right?"

"Gay means happy. Demacia is gay. Noxus is not gay."

Jarvan took a deep breath. He'd always known Garen was in a long term committed relationship with Demacia, but he hadn't realized it was this bad. "Garen… Gay means… well… gay is like a bromance, but gay."

Garen looked confused.

Jarven tried again. "So you and me. Me and you. We have a bromance. If we were gay, we would have a romance instead." Jarvan looked at Garen's befuddled face and flinched. "So, we would be gay if you were really into my flagpole. If you know what I mean."

Understanding dawned on Garen and his face went pale. "I… know what you mean… I must… I take my leave, your majesty." With that, he practically ran out of the room.

Jarvan sighed. He knew that look. But the fanfic he'd been reading was really epic, so instead of running after Garen he just opened his laptop again. Why didn't these authors write more fics about _him_?

**Saturday – Lux's Apartment – Afternoon**

Lux looked up from trying to get her door back on its hinges to see Garen looming over her. "Yes, brother?"

Garen took a steadying breath. "Luxanna. We need to talk."

Lux's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Garen was sweating nervously. "Very well."

"Inside," Garen grunted. He practically pushed his sister into her apartment and then propped her door up so that it was sort of fixed but really not really. Lux sat down at her kitchen table and crossed one leg over the other primly. Garen sat down across from her.

"So I've been putting off talking to you about this," Garen rambled. "But you're of an age where really I just can't delay any longer. Luxanna, you see, sometimes, there are these things. They're the birds and the bees."

Lux wasn't sure if she was going to die of embarrassment first, or if Garen would beat her to it.

"And sometimes," Garen continued. "When the bird and the bee love each other very much, the bee puts his stinger-

"THANK YOU BIG BROTHER," Lux said forcefully. "It was very nice having this conversation with you!"

"I'm not done," Garen announced.

Lux contemplated using her light magic to just go invisible.

"Sometimes, a bee really loves a bee." Garen reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of condoms. Made in Demacia. "And that's why I want you to use these!"

"Uh, Garen, that's not-

"Teen pregnancy is very serious, Luxanna!" Garen announced. "Do you know where babies come from? If that suspicious Riven character knocks you up-"

Lux was pretty sure she was about to keel over from shame. She took the pack of condoms. "Why yes, I do know where babies come from. Better than you, actually. Thank you Garen, I'll be sure to use these. Why don't you just walk home now."

"Lux, I-

Lux got up and shoved (ineffectively) her brother's shoulder. "Get out."

**Saturday – Lux's Apartment – Night**

Garen squatted next to Lux's broken door in a patch of shadows. It wasn't quite as good as tall grass, but it would do. He had determined that his sister had not taken his lecture to heart and that she would not, in fact, use the condoms he'd given her.

And so it was up to him, her big brother, to protect her chastity.

He'd been staking out Lux's apartment for several hours now. He took his brotherly duty very seriously. And… and… Garen was too young to be an uncle, dammit! And so he waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

But wait, there! Someone was coming!

Garen tightened his grip on his sword. When his victim was within reach he leapt from the shadows, brandishing his weapon. "DEMACIA!"

Steel met steel.

Riven had parried him on the hilt of her broken sword with one hand. In her other hand, she clutched Lux's Demacian bedsheet close to her chest. She grunted with the effort of not being chopped in half.

Garen took a step back from their clash and Riven sighed in relief. Maybe he'd just been testing her. Or something. Like the way soldiers liked to arm wrestle and measure their dicks (she'd never been very good at that second one for reasons obvious to everyone except maybe Garen).

Unfortunately for Riven, Garen was a persevering sort of chap and he had just backed up to get more room to fight.

Riven had just enough warning to swear and dash back before Garen started spinning. "DEMA-

"CAW!"

Valor shot out from down the hall and blinded Garen just in time to keep him from seriously injuring Riven, himself, and probably Lux's door to boot.

Valor was followed by a flaming dragon. Shyvanna latched onto Garen and dragged him away.

"Sorry about that, Riven," Quinn called. "We'll take care of him from here."

"Why did you help me?" Riven asked, lowering her sword.

"Garen is an idiot," Shyvanna, now back to her human form, said. "Jarvan thought something like this might happen and asked us to look out for Lux. For Demacia."

Quinn smiled. "You're dating Lux. That makes you family. Welcome to Demacia!"

Riven gulped. What kind of cult had she gotten herself into?

**Sunday – The Therapist – Morning**

Karma opened her door to get her Sunday morning newspaper (with color comics!) and found Garen, bound and gagged, sitting on her doorstep on top of her paper. There was a note attached to him. The Ionian woman picked up the piece of paper and read out loud:

"Garen is going through a lot right now. Please make him calm down. Thanks. –Demacia"

Karma sighed. "Explain yourself. Start from the beginning." And then she took out the gag.

So Garen explained himself. By the end of it, Karma's head was spinning. "You attacked Riven because Lux didn't take you seriously when you told her to use a condom when she had lesbian sex." She took a deep breath. "Lath rian oune vi. Gaen naia kyri vi. Peace. Calm. Tranquility."

"Lez-bi-whatsit?" Garen shrugged. "I was defending my sister. Jarvan told me that gay means you want a flagpole. And that means sex!" Garen sounded so proud of himself. "And sex means pregnancy. And condoms prevent pregnancy. Condoms made in Demacia are especially effective. If Cassiopeia had had a Demacian condom, she wouldn't have gotten that nasty STD."

"Riven doesn't… Cassiopeia didn't…" Karma trailed off and shook her head. "Garen, the League provides a monthly sex education class. With the number of badly abused, damaged, and socially inept characters we have here, it was deemed necessary. You will attend this sex ed class."

"But-

Karma's eyes glowed turquoise. "You. Will. Go. To. Sex. Ed."

"Yes ma'am!"

Karma sighed. "Now. On to your other problems." She paused, thinking, and then made her eyes glow again. There was a certain trick to talking to Garen. "If you were a good Demacian, you would be happy for your sister that she's found someone to love. As a good Demacian, you will encourage her relationship with Riven. You will not attack Riven. You will not give either Lux or Riven advice about their sex life. They don't need your help. Your help is not welcome. Do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Lux is in control of her choices. She knows what she wants and what is good and what is bad for her. You've had everything backwards." Karma untied Garen. "Now get off my newspaper and go be a good little Demacian."

**Sunday – Lux's Apartment – Morning**

Garen pounded his fist against Lux's door until the poor broken thing fell off its hinges yet again. "Lux!" he called.

From behind the closed door of the bedroom came much swearing.

"Go away Garen!" Lux shouted. "I'm serious! I'll tell Jarvan!"

Garen didn't listen. Instead he walked over to the bedroom and threw the door open. He ducked out of the way just in time to avoid being impaled by Riven's sword, thrown from across the room. Riven and Lux were sitting in Lux's bed, hiding behind the Demacian bedsheet.

Garen cleared his throat. "Lux! I understand now!" he declared. "I've had everything backwards! The Noxian wasn't despoiling you, you were despoiling the Noxian!"

"You're related to him?" Riven whispered.

"And as such, you must do the honorable thing and marry her!"

Lux pulled her part of the sheet over her head and pretended she was an only child.

**Epilogue #1 – Sunday – Jinx's Booth – Afternoon**

Jinx sat in an armchair with her legs propped up on the little folding table she'd grabbed out of a supply cabinet. Fishbones was leaning up against the side of her chair, whining as per usual.

"Oh Jinx," said Fishbones, "I'm so proud of you opening a business. This way you can save for retirement."

Jinx rolled her eyes. "You're dumb, Fishbones. I'm never going to retire. I'm going to wreak havoc forever!"

"But Jinx," replied Fishbones, "Why wouldn't you want to settle down with your sister and-

Jinx shut up the rocket launcher by punching him. "Owwww!" she complained while shaking out her hand. "Fishbones, why'd you hurt me?"

"Because-

"Ahem." Jarvan stood in front of Jinx's table, clearing his throat authoritatively.

"Hey J4," Jinx said, "How can I help you?"

"I was under the impression that you take commissions matching League champions with other League champions," Jarvan said.

"You heard right, beanpole. Who's it gonna be? Cho'gath and Blitzcrank? Zed and Akali? Udyr and Elise?" Jinx narrowed her eyes and grinned. "Katarina and Garen?"

**Epilogue #2 – Sunday – It's a Secret – Night**

Riven woke with a start in the middle of the night. She wasn't where she'd fallen asleep. What was going on? Who would kidnap her right out of the League? Where was her sword?

She looked around and the realization dawned on her. She had never seen so much blue and gold in one place in her life. The floor, the walls, the ceiling, the hooded robes on the figures surrounding her…

"And now, Riven," said the figure at the front of the room who sounded a lot like Xin Zhao, "You will be properly inducted into the ancient and sacred cult of Demacia…"


	4. Katarina x Ashe

**Monday – The Pool – Afternoon**

Katarina, clad in her usual black leather, sat perched in a tree, watching the year-round outdoor swimming pool. It was the League's bi-monthly pool party and nearly everyone was out in their swimsuits relaxing.

It was, in short, a perfect chance to observe the movements and habits of her enemies.

She wasn't stalking Garen, she was spying on him.

Her interest in his bulging biceps and washboard abs was purely professional. He had gone to the gym twice as often in the past week and had completely destroyed three punching bags. Though you'd never have noticed under all his armor, he had a very toned body. Katarina wondered what he was putting in his protein shakes. She wondered this because her interest was purely professional. How much did Garen's armor weigh anyways?

The Sinister Blade was lost in such thoughts when Ashe strolled across her field of view.

Katarina let her gaze follow the queen as she went about her business around the pool. Kat wondered at the size of Ashe's bust. She wondered this in a super professional way. As professional as one could possibly be while oogling a woman in a bikini. Surely such large breasts must hurt her back sometimes. Though, the Avarosan was quite curvy, so maybe that helped.

Katarina imagined what Ashe's skin would feel like under her fingertips, or what it would be like to press their lips together. It was a thought exercise. Purely. Professional.

Ashe stepped out of view so Katarina craned her neck to keep watching her.

The Sinister Blade of Noxus fell out of her tree with a crash.

Lying in an undignified heap, Katarina groaned. This was not okay.  
 **  
Tuesday – League Janitor's Closet – Afternoon**

Riven sipped her Demacian coffee and tried to cross her legs. She was sitting on an overturned bucket and there wasn't really much room between the brooms and cans of paint. "Why are we sitting in a closet?" she asked.

Katarina took a long drink of her own coffee and pretended she hadn't just scalded her mouth. She was a certified Noxian badass. Noxian badasses did not cry when they drank their coffee too fast. "You're a dirty traitor. I can't be seen with you."

"Then why did you want to get coffee together?" Riven asked. She tensed imperceptibly. She was 51% sure that she was actually having coffee with the Sinister Blade in a closet because Katarina planned to murder her and wanted to save the trouble of dragging the corpse somewhere to hide it.

"You and Lux," Katarina said, arching her right eyebrow.

"What about us?" Riven set her coffee down on a paint can. Just in case she needed to grab her broken sword. Just in case. Maybe dating a Demacian was the straw that broke the yordle's back. She hadn't really considered that there'd been a way to be more of a traitor than she'd already been.

"How could you?" Katarina pulled out a knife and started playing with it.

Riven took a deep breath. If Katarina struck, she was already planning what direction she'd dodge first. "I'm a Demacian now."

Katarina grimaced and gestured to Riven's hideous outfit. Blue and gold all over. "Clearly. I meant… You really love that woman?"

Riven shrugged. "I know love isn't big in Noxus, but-

"A woman!"

"Wait, this isn't about me, is it?" Riven said. She was a soldier, not stupid. Unlike some soldiers. From Demacia. "Are you-

Katarina's knife went whizzing past Riven's head, close enough to cut a few hairs. "Get out of my closet!"

**Tuesday – The Gardens - Evening**

Riven and Lux walked hand-in-hand down the broad paved avenue that cut through the massive courtyard garden of the Institute of War.

Garen walked past. "Demacia!" he greeted.

Lux and Riven raised their joined hands. "Demacia!" and then broke into helpless giggles.

Garen pointed at his bare ring finger. Aggressively. And then he shuffled his feet in one direction. And then the other. And then he put his hands on his hips and…

Lux buried her face in Riven's arm. "My brother is doing the single lady's dance. I can't watch."

"I still don't think you're related," Riven muttered.

"We have the same middle name," Lux said.

"Your middle name is D-

"Yes," Lux cut her off. "I don't like to talk about it."

Riven laughed and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek.

Across the avenue, Cassiopeia made a very loud, very disgusted noise.

Riven rolled her eyes and gave Lux another kiss. "Just a second, honey." She walked over to the Du Couteau sister. "Cass, can I have a word?"

Cassiopeia hissed. "You can't call me that. I'm not your friend, traitor."

"I'm just trying to help your sister," replied Riven, putting up her empty hands to show she meant no harm.

"What do you know of my sister? Aside from trying to seduce her in a broom closet, you whore."

Riven took a deep breath. Just look who was talking… Sometimes she forgot how fast crazy rumors spread at the League. "I am very happy with Lux. But Katarina, I think she's in the closet. And in denial. And you…" She gestured at Casiopeia, "being you, you could probably help her. That's all." She walked back to Lux, who smiled so sweetly Cass thought she might end up diabetic just by seeing it.

But the traitor bitch did have a point. Cassiopeia considered her options. She'd heard that Jinx was up to no good. Maybe she could… piggyback on the disaster.

**Wednesday – Multipurpose Room D – Night**

Katarina sat down at her assigned table and glared across the room at her sister. The snake woman looked quite pleased with herself.

**Wednesday – Katarina's Apartment – Morning**

"Come with me," Cassiopeia said. "It will be fun," she said. "Speed dating is just your thing."

Katarina hurled a knife. It whizzed past her sisters ear to embed itself in a dart board hung up on her wall. "No. Why are you even here?"

Cassiopeia hissed. "You need to get laid!"

Another knife flew, this one going past the other ear. "Stop projecting!"

"I'm not projecting," Cassiopeia protested. "I'm just concerned. My sister is a marginally attractive twenty-something and who's never had a boyfriend!"

Katarina sat down at her kitchen table and pulled out a knife. Without even looking at either of her hands, she started to play stabscotch like a jackhammer. Splinters filled the air. "I'm fine."

Cassiopeia watched her sister cut her handprint in her table and arched one meticulously plucked left eyebrow. "Or a girlfriend! You know, that Avarosan you like making eyes at will be there."

Kat twitched and nearly severed her pinky. Scoffing, she started to carve letters into the wood. M U R… "Mind your own business," she snarled. … D E R… "And I'm not gay!"

The serpentine champion slithered over to her sister so that they were only a few inches apart. She leaned in close. "I think you're actually still single because you're not hot enough."

Katarina reversed her grip on her knife and had it at Cassiopeia's throat in a flash. "I'm going to make you a bet," she snarled. "I'll go to your stupid speed dating circus. And I'll bring someone home. And when I do, you're going to go to sex ed class and figure out something slutty to do with that tail so you _stop bothering me_."

Cass scoffed. "And when you fail and are utterly humiliated…" She glanced around the room. Her eyes fell on her sisters big screen TV. She pointed at it. "I want that."

"What?"

Cassiopeia shrugged. "I like daytime soaps."

**Wednesday – Multipurpose Room D – Night**

Jinx stood at the head of the room and tapped the microphone. It made a satisfying screech. "Welcome, welcome, welcome! Before we begin, we have a very special message from our sponsor…" She pulled out a remote and hit the big red button.

The lights dimmed and a projector screen descended from the ceiling and an enormous image of Jarvan's head appeared. "GAREN!" it boomed "YOU ARE ORDERED TO GET A DATE. I DON'T CARE WHO OR WHAT. JUST DO IT. FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES. FOR DEMACIA. That is all."

Out in the audience, Garen jumped up. "FOR DEMACIA!"

Jinx pressed her big red button again. The lights came on, but the screen didn't rise. She pouted at it and pushed the red button a third time. Nothing. Jinx frowned. Wait. She knew how to fix it.

BABABABABAM

The champions slowly came out from their hiding places when they saw Jinx put her minigun away. Jinx flashed a smile. "Well what are you waiting for? Let the first monthly Matchmaking Games begin!"

**Round One**

Cho'Gath sat down across from Katarina. "Why hello madam," the Terror of the Void. Around his feet, Kog'Maw gurgled happily.

Katarina raised an eyebrow. Her right one. "What is… that thing doing?" She prodded Kog'Maw with a leather clad foot and immediately regretted it. Now there was slime on her stylish yet affordable boots.

Cho'Gath pet his… pet. "Ah. My sweet Kog'Maw. He devoured the babysitter and I simply have not found a replacement yet. Voracious little champ!"

Kat gripped one of her knives. Just in case.

"Oh, and he does tricks!" Cho'Gath exclaimed. "Kog'Maw! Sing her the song of our people."

Kog'Maw straightened up and opened his mouth. Katarina shunpo'd out of the way just in time.

**Round Three**

Katarina saw Taric across from her and pondered the meaning of her life. "Aren't you gay?" she asked.

Taric looked offended. "That's a very personal assumption."

"So you're not gay?"

"That is none of your business," Taric snapped. He took a deep breath. "Jade. Jade for serenity. Jade for serenity."

"I think…" Katarina pulled out a knife and checked her reflection with it. Was her lipstick smudged? "That if you're at a speed dating table, it is my business."

"I am a very private person, Miss Du Couteau," Taric replied. "But as you make a good point, lapis lazuli for truth, I am fond of men in a way I am not inclined toward women."

"Sooo," Kat prodded, putting away her knife, "When did you realize you were gay?"

"When did you realize you were straight?" Taric snapped.

"I, uh, what?"

"I think that if you want to ask invasive questions about homosexuality, a statistically improbable percentage of this league seems to be so identified and no doubt willing to help. Your friend Riven for instance."

Katarina's face went red with anger. "That traitor isn't my friend!"

**Round Six**

Garen sat down across from Katarina. He tensed. "Noxian."

Katarina started picking her fingernails with a knife. "Oh, you. What do you want?"

"To fight for Demacia, and for glory and honor. To defeat you."

"Fine then," said Kat. "Let's play a game. We'll call it 'Who can avoid mentioning Demacia the longest.'"

"That is a ridiculous game," announced Garen.

"You're only saying that because you know you'll lose."

"Of course not. I shall defeat you, for great justice, and for D-…" Garen choked just in time.

Katarina smiled. "So Garen, who do you work for?"

Garen spluttered.

Pleased with herself, Katarina began carving lewd depictions into the surface of the table.

Garen looked at them. "Is that supposed to be me?"

"With Jarvan's flagpole, yes, very good."

**Round Seven**

Katarina looked up from working on her artistic masterpiece. "Ashe?"

The Frost Archer nodded. "Katarina," said her luscious lips.

Katarina raised her eyebrow. Her left one. No, wait, her right. "Where's your husband?"

Ashe rolled her eyes. "We have an understanding."

The Sinister Blade tried to discretely position her arm over top of the… demonstration of talent she'd left in the table. "An understanding?"

"He has a _small problem_ , you see."

Katarina leaned forward and smiled. "I see."

"The marriage is mostly for show anyway. So I thought I'd start dating again."

Maybe the whole speed dating fiasco wouldn't be a complete waste of time after all.

**Thursday – Katarina's Apartment – Morning**

"Help me carry this," Cassiopeia demanded as she struggled under the weight of her sister's big screen TV. Formerly her sister's. "I need to get it in my room and set up in time for Passions."

Katarina sat at her kitchen table and contemplated stabbing her sister. If Cassiopeia took her TV to watch Passions, how could she watch Passions?

"You know," Cass said, "I'm actually surprised I'm getting this. I didn't realize even you could be so inept. Seduction is so easy. And you're related to me."

"And when was the last time you seduced anyone?"

"Last night," the snake woman said smugly.

"Who- wait. Don't tell me. I don't want to think about that." An image of Cho'Gath and her sister flashed through her head. She was going to need brain bleach.

"Did you at least find someone you like?" Cassiopeia asked.

Katarina tested the sharpness of her knife on her fingertip. When she drew blood she licked it off. "Cass, you're my sister and love me, right?"

"Uhg, only-

The Sinister Blade slammed her knife into her table. It sank in over an inch deep. "I'm serious!"

"Fine," said Cassiopeia. She gave up on the TV and slithered over behind her sister so she didn't have to hide her smile. "I'm your sister and I love you. What is this about?"

"ithinkimgay."

Cass leaned over to whisper in her sister's ear. "I think you are too."

Katarina sat up straight so suddenly she nearly knocked the back of her head into Cassiopeia's nose. "What!?"

"Well what else could you have been doing in that closet with Riven?" Cassiopeia arched her left eyebrow and smiled smugly.

Katarina's hiss was almost as snakey as her sister's. "I would never sleep with that traitor slut!"

"Because you'd rather screw Ashe."

"Exact-WAIT, WHAT?"

"I know she gave you her number, I saw her do it." Figuring her nose would probably be safe, she leaned back in for more dramatic whispering. "And if you weren't such a coward, I wouldn't be taking your television right now."

Katarina hunched down and pulled out another knife. It was like a safety blanket thing. "I'm scared of kissing. If we'd gone anywhere, I don't know what…"

Cass's tail whipped around in surprise. "You're scared of kissing?" Yet another plan slithered into her head. No sister of hers was allowed to be anything less than competent.

Cassiopeia pulled Katarina to face her and then caught her sister's lips with her own.

"MMMMMPH!" Katarina choked.

**Thursday – Swain's Lair – Morning**

Swain was intently watching Talon watch Passions. The tactician was seated in front of a whole bank of screens that were linked to hidden cameras in the room of every Noxian champion. It was normally a thankless, boring duty, spying on his underlings. There were only so many times he could watch Darius polish his axe. And the faces Draven made in the mirror every morning were an embarrassment to Noxus.

The one upside it all was Passions. Either Talon, Singed, or Katarina could be relied upon to watch the show religiously on a screen big enough for decent quality over Swain's spy cams. And if those three weren't watching, then Cassiopeia and Sion had laptops.

Speaking of his other underlings…

Swain glanced at the other screens. Draven flexing in the mirror… Le Blanc looking for the hidden cameras (hah! She'd never find them)… Vlad making a milkshake… Katarina making out with her sister…

what.

Swain's raven crowed. The morning had just gotten interesting.

**Thursday – Katarina's Apartment – Morning**

Cassiopeia drew away from Katarina and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "Now that that's over, on to the rest of it…"

Katarina stumbled into her sister's bathroom and grabbed the mouthwash. She stabbed it open, dumped it into her mouth, swirled, and spat. "Come near me again and I'll forget we're related," she snarled.

Cass laughed. "I'm that good, am I?"

**Thursday – Multipurpose Room B – Night**

"Welcome League of Legends Reproductive Health 101," the yordle on the stage squeaked. "I am Kennen, M.D."

Katarina shifted uncomfortably in her metal folding chair. She was sandwiched between her sister and Jayce. And Jayce was coming very close to losing a hand or two.

"I didn't know yordles had sex," the Defender of Tomorrow said a little too loudly. "I thought they had some sort of asexual reproduction."

On Jayce's other side was Garen, and on Garen's other side was Jinx, who piped up, "They do! Fishbones has seen it! They just… bud."

Kennen ignored them. "If you were looking for League of Legends Sex Education 207: Special Topics, follow Thresh to Multipurpose Room C." He pointed to the Warden, who stood in the back of the room.

Jayce had no volume control. "He's a ghost. Does he even have a… you know?"

"I don't need flesh to make my victims _scream_ ," declared Thresh.

"Oh, kinky!" Jinx said. Everyone else in the room just looked a little bit sick. No one followed Thresh.

"Now," said Kennen. "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and you will die!"

"That's exactly what I thought!" Garen shouted as he stood up. "I have to go save Lux!"

Jayce and Jinx grabbed him and pulled him back down into his seat.

Kennen put a VHS into a dinky little television. Images began to play and Kennen started a voiceover. "In order to successfully reproduce, the female must lay her eggs in her carefully constructed nest…"

Katarina glanced over at her sister. "Do _you_ lay eggs?"

Cassiopeia hissed angrily.

"… and then the male takes the eggs into his pouch and…"

Jayce looked around. Teemo. Tristana. Rumble. Poppy. Ziggs. A bunch of yordle summoners he'd never seen before. Ohhhhh. He leaned over Garen and tugged one of Jinx's braids. "Jinx! Jinx!"

"Shut up," Jinx snapped. "The male is about to fertilize! It looks violent!"

**Thursday – Cassiopeia's Apartment – Night**

"Never again," Katarina said. "Never ever again." She clutched a knife to her chest. "When the female… I just can't… the teeth… the teeth…"

"That was not my best idea," Cassiopeia admitted. "I don't think I'll ever be able to look at those fuzzy little happy meals the same way again."

Kat grunted. "Just. Stop trying to help."

"No," Cassiopeia ordered. "I have one more idea." She slithered over to her bookshelf and pulled out a bright pink book. _This is Your Body, This is Your Body on Puberty: Girl's Edition_. She handed it to her sister.

Katarina took it with two fingers, trying not to touch too much of it. "This is unnecessary."

"It's very informative," Cass assured her older sister.

"No. Father gave me one too," Kat explained slowly. "And then he ran out of the room. I'd never seen him so frightened in my entire life."

The snake woman rolled her eyes. Single parent problems. "Did you read it?"

Kat shrugged and put the book down. "Only the parts about blood."

Cassiopeia groaned. What an uncouth barbarian. "Just read it."

**Friday – Katarina's Apartment – Afternoon**

Katarina sat holding her cell phone. She stared at it. She contemplated it. She examined each and every little bit of it.

"Oh just do it already," Cassiopeia snapped.

Katarina swallowed nervously and started to text. Then she stopped. "Should I capitalize? Use proper grammar? Or use text abbreviations?"

Cass rolled her eyes and snatched the phone away. "r u busy tonight?" she said. "Sent."

Both Du Couteau sisters spent the next several minutes staring at the phone as it sat on the kitchen table.

Katarina briefly wondered if stabbing electronics would make them work faster.

"I always thought you liked Garen," Cassiopeia said idly.

"No," said Katarina. She intended to then say 'I like Ashe,' but all that came out was "I like ass."

Judging from the look on Cassiopeia's face, Katarina would never live that one down.

"Ashe!" Katarina spluttered. "I like Ashe!"

Cass grinned like a predator with a wounded lamb. "Well, Ashe does have a nice ass."

Thankfully for Katarina, the phone buzzed.

Cass grabbed it and read out loud, "sry, busy. tomorrow?" She typed back and then addressed her sister again. "You have a date tomorrow. But tonight…"

**Friday – Outside the Bar – Night**

Katarina, clad in her usual black leather, sat perched in a tree. Lost in her thoughts, she watched people come and go from the bar in varying states of intoxication. The Piltovers showed up sober. The Bilgewater champions all pregamed. Heavily. Something about the Ionians screamed 'teetotalers.' Olaf brought his own keg to the bar.

But there! There was her target!

Ashe walked into the bar, accompanied by Garen.

Katarina saw red. But she was a Noxian assassin, and the best of the best. She was going to do this right.

"Off the competition," Cassiopeia had said. And for once in her life, the sisters agreed wholeheartedly.

So she was patient. She waited for Garen and Ashe to leave the bar. She waited for Garen to walk Ashe home. And when Ashe's front door was shut, she struck.

A rather tipsy Garen narrowly avoided losing his life when, drunk, he stumbled in an unexpected direction. Katarina cursed and prepared to strike again. But Garen, though he was too tipsy to notice a sneak attack, was not so drunk he couldn't fight back. Unencumbered by armor, he dodged Katarina's next strike and kneed her in the stomach. She lashed out, slicing his right bicep open.

There was the sound of hurrying feet.

"Come on Jayce, Jarvan won't pay us if Garen dies!" Jinx shouted. With a manic energy only Jinx could ever hope to have, the lunatic jumped into the fist fight with Jayce following behind her.

Ashe's door swung open.

Tryndamere had no idea what was going on, but he'd just had to listen to his wife telling him about her date with another man, so he was angry. And oh, look, there was that other man. The barbarian waded into the brawl intent on removing Garen's head.

In her apartment, Ashe stepped out of the bathroom. Why the hell was there a giant fist fight going on outside her door? She couldn't even tell who was trying to fight who. Was her husband trying to pull Jinx's braids off? Why was Jayce biting Katarina's knee?

Giving up on making any sense out of the chaos, Ashe walked over to the weapons rack on her wall and took down her bow and quiver. She nocked an arrow and drew back, infusing the weapon with her magic. Carefully, she aimed at the scuffle. And then she released.

**Friday – Outside Ashe's Apartment – Night**

Garen, Katarina, Jinx, Jayce, and Tryndamere stood lined up in front of Ashe. Everyone but the Avarosan queen looked like they'd just been spat out of the business end of a snow machine. Ashe looked at each one in turn. "Now. What happened. Garen, you start."

"I was about t-t-to head back to my room in the D-Demacian wing when K-Katarina att-t-t-tacked me," he explained through chattering teeth. "Probably because she's a Noxian and they're the enemies of Demacia."

"And t-then Jinx made us go help Garen," Jayce said. His skin looked a little blue.

"I d-didn't need the help," said Garen. "The champions of Demacia shall always come out on t-t-top."

"Whatever," Jinx scoffed. "I think your sister proved you wrong last n-night."

Garen would have lunged for Jinx's head, but one cold glare from Ashe stopped him.

Tryndamere, the only one to be hit with Ashe's arrow and not end up a shivering wreck, spoke up. "I just wanted to kill Garen."

"Me too," said Katarina.

Ashe sighed. "Garen, Jinx, Jayce, go home. You too Tryndamere." She said it so regally that no one thought to argue. Instead they just obeyed. Tryndamere glared at everyone before he sullenly retreated back into Ashe's apartment.

Only Kat and Ashe were left.

"I understand why Tryndamere attacked him," said Ashe. "But Katarina, what were you doing in the Freljord wing uninvited attempting an assassination? This could be a serious international incident."

Katarina shrugged and mumbled something.

"What was that?" Ashe asked.

"I like you, I don't like Garen," Katarina said sullenly.

Ashe smiled. The Queen of the Freljord hadn't gotten to be queen by being stupid. And Katarina was pretty cute. Cuter than Garen, even. Especially when you factored in Garen's unfortunate and fairly obnoxious Demacia problem. Not telling him to shut up had been a struggle. "You're adorable," she pronounced. Leaning forward, she gave the Noxian a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Katarina stood there, stunned and grinning like a fool. "Yeah, sure."

* * *


	5. MANTHEON

**Monday – The Gym – Morning**

Pantheon wiped down the bench as Leona racked her weights. The two warriors had been lifting together ever since Lux and Riven started going out. Riven had been Leona's weights partner before, but Lux glaring over at them jealously from the treadmills all the time had just been a little much for everyone involved. Poor Riven was now only allowed to lift with Demacians.

And that left Leona stuck with Pantheon. He was a great guy, it was just-

"You bench a lot for a woman."

Leona shoved the forty-five pound plate she'd been carrying back onto the rack. If it was on the rack and not in her hands, she couldn't throw it at her friend's head. "Excuse me?"

"I said, you bench a lot for a woman," Pantheon repeated.

"I heard you the first time," Leona said.

Pantheon set his rag and cleaner bottle back at the cleaning station. Leona was upset. Last time she'd been upset, he'd been blind for a week. Girls didn't fight fair. "I just meant that even though you're a woman-

"I know what you meant, Mantheon," Leona snapped before storming out of the gym.

Confused, Pantheon finished racking the weights.

**Monday – Sinful Succulence – Afternoon**

"… and then she left," Pantheon finished. He took a bite of one of the chocolate chip cookies Morgana had put on a plate in front of him. "I think I pissed her off. I don't know how though. She's just so self-righteous sometimes. The sun this, the sun that. All I did was compliment her!"

"You should apologize," Morgana advised. The fallen angel was working at the counter and rearranging her display of pastries.

Pantheon ate another cookie and wiped the crumbs off his mouth. "I should," he agreed. "I should get her something. What do women like?"

Morgana looked up from her work. "I don't think getting Leona 'what women like' will make up for telling her she benches a lot 'for a woman.'"

"I know! Women like shiny things!" Pantheon exclaimed. He had selective hearing. "I'll just go get her jewelry!"

"Did you hear anything I said?" Morgana asked as Pantheon ran out of her shop and leapt up into the sky.

**Monday – The Gardens – Afternoon**

Pantheon landed in the gardens of the League, right in front of the bench where Taric and Ezreal had been sitting. Had being the key word. The force of Pantheon's landing knocked them both flying in opposite directions.

"Taric!" Pantheon boomed. "You must help me!"

Taric picked himself up off the ground and dusted himself off. "Oh, must I? You just violently interrupted a most scintillating conversation I was having with Ezreal here." He made to gesture toward Ezreal, but the blond explorer was nowhere to be seen. Taric grit his teeth. "Jade for serenity. Jade. Jade. Jade."

"I require a gem!" Pantheon said.

"And why do you think I would help you with that?" Taric snapped.

"Because you're a poof!" Pantheon declared.

SMACK.

Taric walked away, massaging his poor hand. Pantheon's helmet was not at all good for slapping.

**Monday – Sinful Succulence – Evening**

"… and then he left," Pantheon finished.

Counting the money in her till, Morgana sighed. "You can't just go around calling people poofs. You should apologize."

Pantheon nodded. "I should. I know just how to apologize to a poof!"

Morgana groaned as Pantheon sprinted out of the store and jumped off.

**Monday – Taric's Apartment – Night**

Taric, wearing his fluffy baby blue bathrobe and lavender bunny slippers, opened the door to his bedroom. And then he screamed and slammed it shut.

Pantheon. Pantheon posing on his bed. Pantheon wearing nothing but his helmet, oil, and a thong.

"GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" Taric yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM. NO NO NO. OUT!"

The door to the bedroom opened and Pantheon, still wearing naught but helmet, oil, and thong, walked out. "I have it on excellent authority I'm a very well-endowed and skilled lover," Pantheon said defensively.

Taric grabbed an armful of gems, dropped them into Pantheon's arms and shoved the man out the front door before shutting said door in a very confused Pantheon's face.

The Rakkor warrior looked down at himself. His abs were great! And his pecs too! He looked back at the door, spread his arms out wide, dropping all the gems to the floor, and yelled, "AM I NOT APPEALING?"

A muffled "YES! NO! GO AWAY" came from behind the door.

**Tuesday – The Gym – Morning**

Pantheon walked up to Leona with a large bag.

"What's that?" asked the Solari.

Pantheon opened the bag to reveal all the gems Taric had given him to go away last night. "I got them for you," he said. "As an apology. Do you like them? They are shiny."

Not sure what to do with a bag full of gems, Leona asked, "Why did you think I would like them?"

Quite proud of himself, Pantheon answered, "You are a woman. Women like shiny things."

"RIVEN!" Leona yelled. "Come be my lift partner!"

Riven dashed over immediately. "Thank you so much," she said. "I can't deal with Garen anymore. He keeps asking when he's going to be an uncle."

"And I can't deal with Pantheon," said Leona. "He and Garen will be perfect for each other."

Leona and Riven walked away to the free weights, leaving Pantheon standing there holding his bag of gems. Garen came over and slapped him on the back. "You're my new spotter then? Great. But just so you know, I only use the weights that were made in Demacia. That's the only way you can tell that they weigh what they say they weigh."

**Tuesday – Sinful Succulence – Afternoon**

"… and then I tried to kill him," Pantheon finished.

"Attempts on Garen's life are nothing new," said Morgana. "It's a good thing for Demacia that their dog is so hard to kill."

"But Leona is still mad at me," said Pantheon. "And I don't know how to apologize."

Morgana set aside her oven mitts and sat down at Pantheon's table. "Maybe you should try to understand where she's coming from."

"What do you suggest?" Pantheon asked.

"Well, there's a feminist book club…"

**Tuesday – Multipurpose Room C – Evening**

Pantheon was sitting between Diana and Sejuani and across from Ahri and oh gods were Ahri's breasts distracting. He strategically set his copy of The Vagina Monologues on his lap.

Ahri was saying something. Something. It was so hard to concentrate.

"… I can't help that their pulse rises when they see me, that they want me. I know what they desire. Slut shaming just puts all the blame on me, and that's not fair because…"

Pantheon desperately looked around the room, looking for anything that wasn't Ahri's rack.

Leona was sitting a few seats down circle from Ahri. And she was making the strangest faces. Pantheon followed her gaze and realized she was making the weird expressions at Diana, who was doing the same thing.

It was strange to him that Leona would consent to be in the same room as the heretic. She probably wasn't happy about it, at least, judging from the faces she was making. Leona was practically smoldering with hate.

Someone else in the circle was talking now. "… just want to be treated like a person! What do you think Pantheon? You're the only man here."

All eyes turned to the Rakkor warrior and he blushed under his helmet. "Uh, what was the question?"

"Is there any difference between men and women?" Ahri asked.

"Uhm…" Pantheon mumbled. "Men kill things. Women kill things… everyone kills…" And then it dawned on him. Pantheon stood up, "Everyone kills. THIS IS FEMINISM!"

"Why is he here?" Sejuani complained, rubbing her tenderized ears.

**Wednesday – Sinful Succulence – Afternoon**

"… and then I understood," Pantheon finished.

"Understood what, dear?" Morgana called. She was in the back of the shop, working on baking pastries for the after-work rush.

"Leona just wants to be treated like a man!" Pantheon said. "So I'll apologize to her like I would to a man."

Morgana emerged from the bakery area. This train wreck was just too good not to watch. "And how is that?"

"I will give her the still-beating heart of her enemy!"

Morgana crossed her arms. "Have you ever had a conversation with Leona? Ever?"

"Of course. Leona is my childhood friend."

"So you know how she feels about violence?"

"Violence is the Rakkor way! I must not delay any longer," Pantheon said. "I must find Diana! She will be privileged to die at my feet."

"Pantheon, I don't think-" Morgana began. But he was already gone.

**Wednesday – The Gardens – Afternoon**

Pantheon landed with a crash, sending park benches and small shrubs flying.

"DIANA! I CHALLENGE YOU!" he shouted.

The various summoners and champions who were standing around glared at him. One among them sauntered up.

"Did someone call for Draaaaven?"

"No," Pantheon said. "I seek Diana, the heretic enemy of the sun."

"Oh," said Draven, rather disappointed no one was looking for him. "She went that way." He pointed in a random direction.

"Thank you. I now know my path," said Pantheon before running off in that random direction.

**Wednesday – The Halls of the League – Night**

Pantheon had been searching for Diana all day. All through the gardens. All through the halls. All over the rooftops. All through every unlocked private room he could find. But no Diana. Several times he had thought he'd found her – a flash of silver here, a sighting of white there. Once he'd even chased after her, only to realize he was actually chasing Ashe and Katarina was none too happy about it.

After that misunderstanding, he was a bit more cautious about who he attacked.

The great warrior was ready to give up when there! He saw her! In the distance, Diana had walked past.

Pantheon broke into a headlong sprint. He had hunted Diana too long to lose her now. He quickly made it to where Diana had vanished and he turned a corner and found…

Well, Pantheon was not as stupid as Garen.

He knew what two women making out looked like. And damn were Leona and Diana hot together.

"Uh, I'll just be going," he said to no one in particular.

**Thursday – Sinful Succulence – Afternoon**

"… and that's how I found them together," Pantheon finished.

"Clearly Diana is not Leona's enemy," Morgana deadpanned.

"Yes," Pantheon agreed. "But who is…?" He sat for a while at his table eating his cookies. Then, "Wait! I know!" he exclaimed. "She called Jayce a chauvinist last week!" He got up from the table and sprinted for the door.

WOOMPH.

Morgana's bind hit him before he'd managed to leave the shop. "SIT DOWN!" she ordered.

Pantheon meekly obeyed.

Morgana sat down across from him at the table. "Think this through. Does Leona want you to treat her as a woman?"

"No?" guessed Pantheon.

"Does Leona want you to treat her as a man?" Morgana asked.

Pantheon thought really hard. "No?"

"Does Leona want you to treat her like a person?"

Pantheon frowned. Was that a trick question? "… Yes?"

"So how should you apologize?"

Pantheon sat there for several minutes. Then, his eyes fell on the plate in front of him. "Everyone likes cookies!"

"Good job," Morgana said. "I'll get you some oven mitts."

**Thursday – Leona's Apartment – Evening**

Pantheon knocked on Leona's door and waited. When the door opened, he thrust a basket of cookies at his childhood friend and launched into the complicated speech Morgana had helped him prepare. "Leona, I am very sorry for being a sexist pig. I made you these cookies to apologize. Please stop being mad at me."

Leona took the basket. "Cookies?"

"Men like cookies, women like cookies, everyone likes cookies!" Pantheon announced.

"Why thank you Pantheon. Apology accepted." She paused and then added, "But Riven is still my weights partner. I can't just abandon her to Garen."

Leona shut the door.

Pantheon swore.

**Friday – Sinful Succulence – Morning**

"… and that's why I'm not at the gym in the mornings anymore," finished Pantheon. He got up from his table and went to lean on the counter. "You know, I've always wanted to be a baker."

Morgana shoved a large bowl at him. "Demacia has a big order of Christmas cookies that needs to be filled today," she said. "Get baking."


	6. Pentakill Goes Camping

**Monday – The Bar – Night**

"Vi," said Jayce, "If you make fun of my power slam one more time, I will-

"Hey, Jayce! Powe-uuumph!

Caitlyn slapped her hand across Vi's mouth. She glared at Jayce. "You know better than to provoke her."

Across the table, Jinx tipped her chair back and grinned. "I don't! Hey Vi, knock knock?"

"Don't answer that," Caitlyn warned. Jayce scooted his chair away from Jinx.

"Who's there?" Vi demanded. "Oh, wait, it doesn't matter. I'm going to punch the door down and break their face!" And then Vi attempted to do just that.

Attempted. She tried to get up but found her left hand handcuffed to the chair Caitlyn was sitting on. Vi tugged. The chair didn't move.

"Damn Cait, get up, I can't move with you sitting there!" Vi said.

Caitlyn serenely sipped her Firefly from her teacup. "Are you calling me fat?"

Vi blushed and hunkered over. "No. Sorry, Cupcake."

Jayce snorted. "Whipped."

Vi glared. Vi noticed her right hand was uncuffed. Vi noticed Jayce was on her right side and had scooted over to her, away from Jinx. Jayce noticed all of this when Vi's fist connected with his face.

Vi was pulling back for another go at Jayce's smug mug when someone grabbed her wrist. She looked up to find Jax, wearing a big black vest that said "BOUNCER" on it. "Try me," he growled. "I dare you."

"Since when has this place had a bouncer?" Vi demanded.

"Since you decided it would be a good idea to have a bar fight every night," replied Caitlyn. "How are you tonight, Jax?" Casually, she reached over, took Vi's wrist from him, and handcuffed it to another chair.

Satisfied Vi wasn't about to attack anyone, Jax relaxed. "This place is boring on Mondays. I signed on here to fight."

"I could blow something up," Jinx offered. When everyone glared, Jinx sighed. "Or not." Weird. She was feeling oddly peaceful.

"Friday will be good," Jax said. "Pentakill has a gig. They-" Jax stopped mid-sentence when he heard a crash at another table. Volibear roared. Rengar had decided he wanted a stuffed polar bear. Again. "Night just got interesting," Jax announced as he leapt away.

"Who do you think would be a good couple from Pentakill?" Jinx wondered out loud.

"Karthus and Sona," Vi immediately said. "Because they both wear dresses."

"I always thought Olaf and Yorick would be quite hot together," Caitlyn suggested. "They both have such chiseled bodies, if they put them together with sweat and-

Jayce made a gagging noise.

"What?" Caitlyn asked. "Man on man is sexy."

Vi groaned. "No it's not. And that manga you've been reading is disturbing."

"Karthus and Mordekaiser might also be quite pleasant," Caitlyn mused. "Really though, I always thought Olaf and Jayce would be scrumptious."

Jayce hugged himself. He did not like the way Caitlyn was eyeing him. Not one bit. "This feels so wrong and exploitive."

Jinx reached into his pocket, pulled out his cellphone, and scrolled over to one of his many, many pictures of Vi and Caitlyn making out. She tossed the phone to Vi. It hit Vi in the forehead because the enforcer's hands were still cuffed to various pieces of furniture.

Jayce dove to the floor and to grab his phone before anyone could see it. Caitlyn beat him there though. "Oh, this is cute," she said to no one in particular. Vi looked over her shoulder, saw the picture, and snarled at Jayce. Caitlyn tapped a few buttons and tossed the phone back to him.

"What did you do?" Jayce demanded.

"I just sent myself a copy. And then deleted it," Caitlyn replied. Thoughtful, she added, "It felt rather exploitive."

Jinx yawned. "I'm bored. You're all boring. I think Sona and Mordekaiser would work. Who wants to help?"

"Me!" Jayce volunteered. He was desperate for a change of conversation topic. "What about you, Cait?"

"No," said Caitlyn.

Jinx smiled. "It'll be fun! Loosen up." She leaned across the table. "I'll owe you one. Think about it. Olaf. Rubbing oil on Darius' ass. Or Draven's. Or both at the same time."

Caitlyn sipped her Firefly to hide a blush. "Fine."

"Let's go!" Jinx crowed.

Jayce, Jinx, and Caitlyn got up and left.

"I'm still handcuffed here!" Vi shouted.

**Tuesday – Jinx's Hideout – Morning**

Jinx shoved a whiteboard into the middle of the room and pulled out a red dry erase marker. She uncapped it with a flourish and wrote:

Step One: ? ? ? ?  
Step Two: ? ? ? ?  
Step Three: ? ? ? ?  
Step Four: PROFIT!

"So you don't have a plan?" Caitlyn asked. She was sitting next to Jayce on top of a workbench.

Jinx huffed and threw her marker over her shoulder. "Plans are for nerds."

"You're a born entrepreneur," said Fishbones encouragingly.

"Hah, Fishbones, using big words I don't know," Jinx laughed. She slapped her gun playfully.

Caitlyn leaned over toward Jayce and whispered, "Does she often speak with herself?"

Jayce whispered back, "You get used to it."

"Fishbones, they're talking about me behind my back," Jinx whined.

"Actually Jinx," replied Fishbones in his rather dumpy voice, "They're talking in front of you."

"UHG! They're just so rude!" Jinx stomped her foot down on the floor. "And it's not like they have any better ideas."

"Let's think about this logically," Caitlyn suggested. She got up and walked over to the whiteboard and bent down to pick up Jinx's castoff marker. Jayce wolf whistled. Caitlyn rolled her eyes. "What do Sona and Mordekaiser have in common? We can work from there."

"Wow, you're even more boring than my sister," said Jinx.

"Who is this sister you keep mentioning?" asked Caitlyn, putting her hands on her hips and scowling. She was pretty bad at the bad cop thing, normally it was Vi's job.

"Wouldn't you like to know!" Jinx challenged, sticking out her tongue in defiance.

Why yes, Caitlyn thought, she would like to know. It was a mystery to be solved, and she was on the case. "Jinx, you will come with me to gather intelligence for our operation. Jayce, go find out who Jinx's sister is."

Jayce, of course, protested, "Wait, but I want to spy on Sona too!"

"You'll do no such thing. If you do, I'll arrest you for invasion of privacy," replied Caitlyn.

Jinx laughed and grabbed Caitlyn's hand. Skipping merrily, she then dragged the sheriff to the door. "Mmmm, hypocrisy! I knew I liked you for a reason!"

**Tuesday – A Quaint Café Rooftop – Afternoon**

Caitlyn adjusted the focus of her binoculars. Sona was gliding up to a small outside table where the other members of Pentakill were seated. "Target acquired."

Jinx adjusted the sight on Caitlyn's rifle. "Target acquired!"

"I've got her in my sights," said Caitlyn, still looking through the binoculars.

"I've got her in my sights," said Jinx, aiming the rifle.

Caitlyn heard a familiar click next to her, the sound of a safety being released. She looked up just in time to pounce on the blue haired girl before the shot went off. "Jinx! NO! Where did you get that!"

**Tuesday – A Quaint Café – Afternoon**

Olaf glanced up toward the roof. "Did you hear something?"

"Only the sound of suffering," said Karthus.

"Really? It sounded to me more like _agony_ ," boomed Mordekaiser.

"Agony and death," sighed Yorick.

Silent Sona rolled her eyes.

Still, the argument continued. "Pain!" "Death!" "Suffering!" "Torment!" "Evisceration!" "Misery." It didn't really matter who said what, once the Shadow Isles champions got going, they all sounded the same.

Then – "Did I hear someone call for Draaaaaven?" None other than the Glorious Executioner himself sat down in the sixth seat at the café table. "Hello peons."

Mordekaiser growled. "You're our manager not our master. I am the only master at this table."

Draven held up his hand and mimed a mouth talking. "Words are coming out of your mouth, but oh, nobody's listening." The least popular member of Pentakill pulled out a folder of papers, which he then passed out. "And now that Draven is here, have no fear, the meeting can begin!"

Sona moved to pluck a few notes on her etwahl, but Draven cut her off. "SHUT UP SONA," he yelled, "Draven's talking."

"Worm! You will not speak to her that way," Mordekaiser grunted. He was terribly offended that anyone would treat the girl of the group so disrespectfully.

Draven gave zero fucks. "Now, where was I?"

"But the saying is true, the empty vessel makes the loudest sound," Yorick muttered.

"What was that?" Draven snapped. "Do you have something you want to say Yorick? No? I didn't think so." Draven was about to continue when a small explosion from somewhere nearby cut him off.

**Tuesday – A Quaint Café Rooftop – Afternoon**

Jinx and Caitlyn stood looking down at the remains of Caitlyn's rifle. Bits and pieces of the gun were scattered all over the rooftop.

The Sheriff was torn between crying and throttling Jinx. Her. Poor. Rifle.

Jinx snatched Caitlyn's hat off the Sheriff's head and put it on. "Don't worry hat lady, Vi likes you for more than just your big gun."

Throttling it was.

**Tuesday – A Quaint Café – Afternoon**

Draven shrugged. "Must just have been one of my fans," he said. "They do that sometimes when they get excited. Now, I looked at that album list you all proposed for my upcoming acoustic release. And it wasn't up to the standards of Draven. So I fixed it."

Karthus picked up the set list Draven had passed out and read out loud, "1. The Glorious Anthem of Draven. 2. Draven, Greatest of Noxus. 3. The Draven Song."

Mordekaiser stood up, towering over Draven. "We agreed on that list in a fair and democratic process! I will make you suffer as never before, I will destroy you and-"

Draven pointed at Mordekaiser and then pointed at the Master of Metal's empty seat. "Does this look like a democracy to you? No." Draven smoothed his hair. "This is the League of Draven. I got this record deal, I know the people in the entertainment industry, and if you want to play, you'll do as I say."

Mordekaiser sat down and fumed. This is what they got for selling out.

Draven picked up a document from his pile of papers. "We're going camping in the woods so you lot can practice unplugged before recording. Trust me, you need it." Draven stood up and bowed. "I'll see you all tomorrow morning."

Yorick stared mournfully at Draven's retreating back. "He will give the devil his due."

**Tuesday – A Quaint Café Rooftop – Afternoon**

A rather bruised and battered Jinx rubbed her hands together in excitement. "I have a plan!" she announced.

An equally injured Caitlyn frowned. "I thought plans were for nerds."

"I can be a nerd sometimes," said Jinx, ever chipper. "Now, this is what we're gonna do…"

**Wednesday – A Bush By the Side of the Road – Afternoon**

Caitlyn adjusted how she was sitting, trying to get comfortable on the ground. She and Jinx were camped out a short distance from the driveway of Draven's campsite in the middle of nowhere. "How did you find this place?" the sheriff asked.

Jinx shrugged. "I have my ways."

**FLASHBACK!**

Jinx sat down in the League cafeteria next to Teemo and wrapped a tattooed arm around the yordle's shoulders. "Ten shrooms," she said. "I give you ten shrooms and you tell me where Draven's hideout is."

**END FLASHBACK!**

"Hey, they're here!" Jinx said. "Get excited!"

Careful not to disturb their cover, Caitlyn peered out of the bush.

Draven stepped out of the driver's seat of a soccer mom van. Olaf stepped out of shotgun and immediately threw up. The rest of Pentakill gradually staggered out of the vehicle in varying states of violently carsick.

"So what do we do now?" Caitlyn asked.

"Watch and learn," said Jinx.

Over the by the van, the brawnier members of Pentakill were unpacking and carrying luggage, instruments, and groceries to the campsite. Sona, Karthus, and Draven stood to the side, watching the grunts work.

"Be careful with that," Draven called.

Mordekaiser, holding a large statue of Draven glanced over at the figurine's model, wrapped a gauntleted hand around the statue's head and squeezed. The tiny head exploded into a shower of metal pieces. "Huehuehue," he chuckled.

Sona applauded. Draven raged. Karthus… Karthus had found something much more interesting than the Master of Metal's pissing match. There was a small sign a short ways from the cabin that read, "DEAD THINGS THIS WAY -"

The lich found this sign strange. He hadn't sensed anything dead. Perhaps there was some new sort of death that he'd never encountered before? Driven by his morbid curiosity, Karthus followed the sign where it pointed into the woods. Some distance into the trees, there was another sign. "DEAD THINGS, FOLLOW THE SIGNS." So Karthus did what any reasonable lich would do and did as that sign directed too.

Sign after sign followed, all pointing deeper and deeper into the woods.

Eventually Karthus followed a sign to the edge of a cliff. Careful, he peered over. Far, far below was a river flowing through the gorge. But where were the dead things? Disappointed, Karthus turned around and-

"Hi," said Jinx. Jinx was standing behind Karthus. Jinx was holding Fishbones the rocket launcher. Jinx was holding Fishbones the rocket launcher and pointing it right at Karthus.

The lich had just enough time to turn around and jump over the cliff of his own free will before a rocket went sailing through the place his face used to be.

Jinx poked her head out over the edge of the cliff and listened to the satisfying SPLOOSH! from far below. "One down, three to go," she declared.

"I should arrest you for assault," said Caitlyn.

Jinx huffed. "Oh come on, I didn't pull the trigger until after he'd started to jump!"

**Wednesday – The Campsite – Evening**

The remaining members of Pentakill were finishing pitching their tents when Draven walked up to Mordekaiser and said, "Mordekaiser, go dig the latrine."

Mordekaiser scoffed. "Why should I dig the latrine? I have no need to defecate, fool!"

A rather persistent chap, Draven turned to Sona. "Sona, go dig the latrine."

The only woman of the group crossed her arms over her ample chest and turned up her nose.

"You can't make her do it," Mordekaiser said.

Draven turned to Olaf. "Olaf, go dig the latrine."

"Make Yorick do it," Olaf grunted, "He has a shovel."

Draven rounded on Yorick. "Yorick, go dig the latrine!"

Yorick hefted his shovel. Shuffling off into the woods he sighed, "That it should come to this…"

Out in the trees, Yorick had just set shovel to earth when they found him.

Jinx, hanging by her knees from a tree branch, giggled and said, "Hey Yorick what would you say if I said I could get you home right now?"

Yorick kept digging. "Tempt not a desperate man," he said in his rocky baritone.

"Just think," Jinx continued, "You could go home and dig graves instead of shit holes. All you have to do is say yes, and I'll strap you to a rocket and fire you back to the League."

Hesitating in his work, Yorick looked up at Jinx. "Though this be madness, yet there is method in it."

From her perch, Jinx winked at the gravedigger. "The fool doth think she's wise, but the wise girl knows herself to be a fool."

Yorick finally stopped digging. "This is the short and the long of it."

"Sooo that's a yes?" Jinx asked.

"Lay on," answered Yorick.

Jinx pulled out her rocket launcher. "And let him be damned who first cries 'hold! Enough!"

**Wednesday – The Campsite – Night**

The dark sky was rent by a great burst of flame and booming thunder.

"I don't think Yorick is coming back," said Olaf.

"Alas, poor Yorick," started Draven.

"Shut up," cut in Mordekaiser. "You didn't even know him that well."

"Do you think he finished the latrine?" Olaf asked. "I need to use it."

Draven glanced out into the darkness of the woods. It was kind of scary. He didn't want to go wandering out there for a ditch he wasn't even sure Yorick had dug. To pee or not to pee, that was the question. Making up his mind, he stood up and unbuttoned his trousers.

"What are you doing, fool?" Mordekaiser demanded.

"I'm taking a piss, what does it look like?" Draven answered.

Olaf cleared his throat very loudly and pointed to Sona, who was beet red.

"What?" Draven asked. "Girls love my Little Draven, he's-…" he stopped when he realized that the three members of Pentakill looked like they were about to murder him. He buttoned up his trousers. "I'll just go by the edge of camp…"

**Thursday – The Camp – Morning**

Olaf woke up and yawned. He crawled out of his tent and looked around. No one else was up yet. He glanced up and saw that the sky was clear. At least there was that. The only thing that could make Draven's camping trip worse was rain. And speaking of water, the Freljord warrior really needed to pee. After the Draven Incident the night before, he'd decided to just wait until morning when he could venture safely out into the trees.

He'd finished relieving himself when he saw it.

A can of Graggy Ice. The best beer in Runeterra. Right there, pristine, unopened, sitting on top of a small bed of leaves.

In a trance, Olaf approached and reached out to take the perfect beverage.

CLAMP!

The yordle snap trap latched onto Olaf's meaty forearm.

BAM!

A heavy net shot out from the trees and enveloped Olaf in a tangle of rope.

Jinx stepped out from behind a tree. "Lookee here, hat lady," she said. "We bagged ourselves an Olaf."

Caitlyn stepped out from behind another tree. She slung her long rifle over her shoulder. "Looks like he got caught flat footed."

"Let's pack him up," Jinx said. "Time to head home."

"But what about Draven?" Caitlyn asked.

"What about Draven?" Jinx responded. "Mordekaiser and Sona will take good care of him."

On the ground, Olaf moaned.

**Thursday – The Camp – Morning**

Sona awoke early, though not as early as Olaf. When she emerged from her tent, Mordekaiser was waiting. "Olaf is missing," he said.

Sona frowned and plucked a few strings on her etwahl.

"Yes, I do think Draven had something to do with it," said Mordekaiser. "He's brought us all out here to pick us off one by one so he gets all the fame of Pentakill. It's like that band, Children of Bodom."

More etwahl noises followed.

"We have to take care of him. For our own safety. I won't let him hurt me. Or you."Sona played a few more bars.

"Why yes, I did bring my mace. And I see you have your etwahl." **  
**  
 **Thursday – The Camp – Late Morning**

Draven staggered out of his tent when he could sleep in no longer. The sun was high above and the day was bright – except for the dark shadow cast directly upon his face. Draven blinked sleepily. Mordekaiser and Sona were standing in front of him. Neither looked at all pleased.

"Olaf is missing," said Mordekaiser.

Draven shrugged. "I guess he just couldn't handle so much Draven," he said.

"Neither can we," said Mordekaiser.

Sona played a rather sharp sounding chord, obviously agreeing with her bandmate.

"I know, I know," said Draven, "This much perfection can be a little intimidating… Why are you holding your mace and not your guitar?"

**Thursday – The Cliff – Afternoon**

Mordekaiser shoved Draven's limp body over the edge of the cliff.

Sona played a few questioning notes.

"No, I'm not sure this river will take it back to the League," answered the Master of Metal.

A few more notes.

"This whole… living thing is… highly overrated anyway," he said.

Sona played a short melody and then sat down, dangling her legs over the edge of the cliff. Mordekaiser sat down next to her. "I agree. The view here is… nice. It will be nicer after the apocalypse."

Sona giggled.

Mordekaiser took out his guitar. "We came here to play. Let us play."

**Friday – The Bar – Evening**

"How do you know it worked?" Caitlyn asked. Just like on Monday, she was sitting at the Piltover table with Jinx, Vi, and Jayce.

Jinx laughed. "Did you see Sona when she got out of the van this afternoon? She was glowing!"

"Sona's always glowing," Vi said. "It's called an aura, dumbass."

"I don't think Mordekaiser even has the equipment to make a girl glow," Jayce added.

Vi rounded on him. "Are you trying to imply something, punk?"

Jayce raised his hands defensively. He was ninety nine percent sure Vi was about to try to slug him. "I'm just saying that having a pleasure hammer helps."

Caitlyn sipped her Firefly to the sounds of her girlfriend pummeling the Defender of Tomorrow.

Up on the bar's small stage, Draven appeared, pushing himself along in a wheelchair. He went up to the mic and cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, champions and summoners! May I present to you, Dra-" he suddenly glanced over at the edge of the stage, gulped nervously, and finished, "PENTAKILL!"

The five band members entered to the sound of thunderous applause.

**EPILOGUE**

Caitlyn sat at her desk, staring at the report Jayce had given her. The man himself was preening by her doorway, waiting for congratulations on a job well done.

"This can't be right," Caitlyn said. "Jinx's sister can't be…"

"Of course I'm right," said Jayce. "I spent all week on this. And I'm always right."

Caitlyn threw the report at his head. "This is clearly wrong! Ezreal isn't even a girl!"

Jayce stood in a rain of paper. "She's not?"


	7. Katarina x Ashe PART TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally written for Snowdown 2013.

Twas the week after Snowdown and all through the League,  
Every champion was packing, most at top speed.  
They had the post-holidays off to shuffle on home,  
But one daring soul was about to face the unknown…

**Monday – Katarina's Apartment – Morning**

Cassiopeia threw herself down on her sister's couch and wailed. "You know what those Freljord scum did to me! To my beautiful body! How could you betray me like this?"

Katarina dumped an armful of knives into her suitcase. "You're just mad you're single and I'm going to my girlfriend's place for the holidays."

Cassiopeia thrashed around with her tail. "Your own flesh and blood! Abandoned!"

Katarina picked up one of her steak knives from her kitchen counter. Should she bring it? Or maybe the meat cleaver? "You know Cass," she said, "I'm sure you could come too. I'll bet the ice would be great for your snake bits. Just what the doctor ordered."

The serpentine champion put the back of her hand to her brow. "Oh you're so cruel to me. After all I've done. And now you're leaving me. You're leaving me all alone to sit and listen to Swain discuss the finer points of world domination for a week and a half. Nonstop. With Le Blanc offering opinions no one asked for. And gods forbid Darius try to say anything intelligent. And Draven! You're abandoning me to deal with Draven!"

Katarina threw the steak knife and it embedded itself in the back of the couch, just above Cassiopeia's head. "Shut up, you sound just like mother," Katarina snapped.

Cass slithered off the couch and headed to the door. "Fine. Be that way. But don't come crawling to me when you forget your parka and freeze to death."

"I won't!" Kat yelled at her departing sister. When Cass had finally left, the Sinister Blade went over to her couch and retrieved her steak knife. Well, her question was answered, at least. She'd leave the steak knife at the League. The balance was off. She'd been aiming slightly lower.

**Monday – League Departure Area – Afternoon**

"… please remember both champions and summoners may be recalled to the Institute of War at any time in case of an emergency…" droned the speakers positioned all around the nexus of the vast departure hall. The nexus sat in the middle of the room and was surrounded by summoning circles that the League used to ferry people back and forth from all over Valoran and the surrounding islands.

Upon entering the room, it didn't take Katarina long to locate the Freljord delegation. All returning together for a Snowdown truce at Rakelstake, they were the only cluster of people wearing more white and blue than the Demacians. Dressed in black from head to toe, Katarian knew she was going to stick out like a sore thumb. She was not, however, expecting any trouble. At least, she wasn't expecting any trouble until Lissandra stopped her as she was crossing the room to where Ashe was standing with the other Freljord champions.

"Noxus is that way," said the Ice Witch. She pointed to the giant clump of red, black, and purple that was the Noxian delegation. Cassiopeia was sitting there, glaring at Katarina and miming strangling her.

"I can see that," said Katarina. She rested her hands on two of her favorite knives but didn't pull them out. Contrary to popular belief, she knew what restraint was and occasionally exercised it.

"Perhaps then you should make your way to where you're wanted," Lissandra said.

Katarina smiled. It was not a nice smile. "That's just what I was doing." Behind the Ice Witch, she could see Tryndamere was coming over. Oh great, just what she needed.

"Really?" Lissandra asked. "It seemed to me that you were trying to join the Freljord circle."

Katarina counted to ten in her head, visualized stabbing Lissandra multiple times, and then took a deep breathe. "How observant."

Lissandra was about to say something else when Tryndamere finally arrived. "Is there a problem here?" he asked.

"Of course not," answered Lissandra. "Katarina was about to return to her comrades."

"Huh," Tryndamere grunted. "Too bad for her. Ashe said," the Barbarian paused to clear his throat and then continued in an excessively high pitched falsetto, "Katarina needs to stop flirting with Lissandra and get over here now!"

Katarina and Lissandra went silent and stared at Tryndamere with equal parts shock and horror. In the background, the League announced droned on, "… do not leave your bags unattended. Repeat, do not leave your bags unattended. If you see one or more yordles tampering with your luggage, please report to security…."

Having finally regained her senses, Lissandra snapped at Tryndamere, "Oh, so you're going to emasculate yourself further by being party to your wife's deviant infidelity?"

Lissandra was taller than the barbarian, so Tryndamere had to tilt his head up slightly to get in her face. "Ashe can do whatever she wants, so fuck off ice bitch." He grabbed Katarina's arm and dragged the surprised Noxian off to the Freljord crowd.

"I'm not going to thank you," Katarina growled.

"I don't care," Tryndamere answered. "Do yourself a favor, assassin. Make sure Lissandra slips and dies on a patch of her own ice."

When they reached the Freljord champions, Ashe came over and gave Katarina a brief kiss as greeting. "I hope Lissandra didn't give you too much trouble."

Katarina glared at Tryndamere, who was pointedly ignoring them. "Nothing I couldn't handle."

"Lissandra is old fashioned," Ashe said. "Not everyone from the Freljord is like her." A gust of cold air heralded Anivia's arrival. "Just some of them," Ashe finished.

The cryophoenix bowed to Ashe and then cocked her head to the side, regarding the pair of women. "Ah, young love," said Anivia. "But wherever shall the eggs come from?"

"… all travelers be advised, a band of yordles has spiked the complementary eggnog," blared the hall speakers. "If you experience any hallucinations, please contact your nearest support…"

It was going to be a long week.

**Monday – Rakelstake – Evening**

Though Katarina had been to most parts of Valoran and the surrounding islands, she had never been to the Freljord before, and for good reason. Rakelstake was fucking cold.

The Sinister Blade sat huddled in the room she'd been assigned (Ashe and Tryndamere shared a bed here, and he had made it very clear he would not sleep on the couch). In front of her was the fireplace, crackling merrily. Around her was every blanket she'd been able to find. And still, her teeth chattered.

Katarina was busy listing to herself the reasons why she hadn't just gone home with Cass when Reason Number One entered the room.

"I found a thicker coat for you," Ashe said, holding up a fur garment. Realizing Katarina wasn't going to leave her fort of blankets to take the clothes, the queen of the Freljord walked over to the freezing woman and set the coat on top of her.

Katarina glared. "I don't get it. Look at yourself. You're wearing a miniskirt and half a shirt. Why aren't you cold?"

Ashe laughed. "It's all about the cape. Come, dear, it's time for dinner."

**Monday – Noxus Headquarters – Night**

Swain paced back and forth in the center of the circle of champions and commanders who made up the Noxian high command. "If we ever want to best Demacia, we need a more efficient strategy," he said.

"I suggest we create a committee for more efficient strategies," said LeBlanc.

Cassiopeia rolled her eyes. She knew the leader of the Black Rose wasn't even being sarcastic. More than one good idea from the high command had fallen prey to LeBlanc's committees. The woman was both the busiest busybody in Noxus and the only one in Noxus who specialized in making copies of themselves. It was a nightmare.

"No," barked Swain. "I've already figured it out. What we need is publicity for Noxus!"

At this point, Cassiopeia started to tune everyone out. Was that dirt under her nails?

"Now that is what I'm talking about," said Draven. "Finally, we can talk about my proposal to my face on every milk carton in the city."

LeBlanc cut in, "Your proposal to replace the faces of missing children with your own face was vetoed by the sub-committee on dairy product advertising."

Darius scoffed. "Only good thing those committees have ever done."

"Silence," ordered Swain. "I have already determined the best tactic for increasing our notoriety." He pulled out a remote and used it to lower a projector screen from the ceiling. "I have posted the following video to LeagueTube." Swain hobbled over to a laptop that was plugged into the room's projector and hit 'Play.'

Each person in the room stared at the video, entranced.

Draven wolf whistled.

Cassiopeia gradually became aware that everyone was staring at her. She looked up from her nails. "What?"

**Tuesday – Rakelstake – Morning**

Wearing the heaviest coat she'd ever seen, Katarina left her room and headed to the dining hall for breakfast. Ashe wouldn't be there – something about diplomacy and a scuffle between bears and barbarians - but Katarina was hungry. When she got there, as if by some signal, everyone stopped eating and stared at her. Confused, she asked, "What?"

It was Sejuani who spoke up. "You've got a lot of nerve being here after what you've done." The leader of the Winter's Claw got up from the table and walked over to tower over Katarina.

Katarina was not intimidated. Noxian badasses did not get intimidated by giant Freljord berserkers in their personal space. "I have no idea what you're talking about," Katarina said, attempting to placate the woman. The Noxian badass tried to reach for a knife, but realized that it was impossible to draw a blade discreetly when she was wearing thirty pounds of fur.

When angry, Sejuani closely resembled her pet boar. "Are you telling me that you have no idea about the video of you that your commander posted?"

"No…" said Katarina. Was that foam coming out of Sejuani's mouth? Maybe she should go to a doctor. It could be rabies. "What video?"

Scowling, Sejuani pulled out her smart phone and pulled up LeagueTube. "Some user named 'TheSwainTrain' posted this a few days ago."

Katarina leaned in to watch. Behind her, everyone else in the room clustered to peer over her shoulder. In horror, the Sinister Blade watched a miniature Cassiopeia make out with a miniature Katarina in high definition.

"Oh dear," Anivia clucked. "The youth are so _progressive_ these days, aren't they?"

"I didn't…" Katarina spluttered. "It wasn't my idea. She made me do it."

Sejuani put away her phone and glared at all the onlookers. "You looked like you liked it."

A burst of misguided family pride filled Katarina's chest. "My sister is very good at what she does."

"She's a slut," Sejuani spat. "And it runs in the family."

"Well, we all have to be good at something," said Anivia. "Bless her heart."

Katarina was suddenly very annoyed that she couldn't reach any of her knives. "My sister is not…" She trailed off and rethought what she was about to say. "I'm not a slut!"

"What else are you doing in Ashe's bed?" Sejuani challenged.

Not about to back down, Katarina snarled, "I know you savages are stupid, but surely even you've noticed that Tryndamere and Ashe share a bed and I have my own. It's very comfortable, actually." She wasn't even sure if she was trying to defend her honor or her relationship. For a brief moment she wished she were her sister. Cass would have just puffed up a little and taken 'slut' as a complement.

"What is going on here?" Ashe's voice sounded from the far end of the dining hall. On her right stood Tryndamere, and on her left was Volibear. The three made for an imposing image.

Sejuani directed one last withering glare at Katarina before turning to Ashe. "I was just welcoming your guest to the Freljord."

"How nice of you," said Ashe. "And I hate to interrupt, but Volibear has something important he'd like to discuss with you."

Sejuani grunted and headed off to somewhere else in the Rakelstake palace, accompanied by the giant armored bear.

Ashe herself approached Katarina. "Freljord welcomes can be a little chilly," she said.

"I noticed that," replied Katarina. "Is she always such an asshole?"

Ashe gave a queenly sigh. "Sejuani and I don't get along. And Katarina, I'm sorry dearest, but I have to greet a group of Demacian envoys this afternoon, I won't be able to show you around Rakelstake."

Katarina tried to hide her disappointment.

"But I've asked Tryndamere to be your guide in my stead," Ashe continued. "I'll be with you for dinner, I hope." The queen gave Katarina a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off to do royal things.

Tryndamere glared at Katarina.

Katarina glared at Tryndamere.

They both glared.

Finally, Tryndamere grunted, "Do you want to get a drink?"

**Tuesday – Rakelstake Bar – Afternoon**

Katarina sat at the bar next to Tryndamere. She had three shots of Fireball whiskey in front of her and he had a large glass of straight vodka on the rocks. The bar itself was almost identical to the one at the League. Both bars, after all, were owned by Gragas.

For a while Katarina and Tryndamere sat in silence, contemplating their alcohol. Then, trying to start up a conversation, Katarina asked, "What did Volibear want with Sejuani?"

Tryndamere gulped down a mouthful of his vodka and Katarina tried not to cringe just thinking about it. "Volibear wants to marry Bristle. He's asking Sejuani's permission first. He's a very traditional bear."

"Bristle?" Katarina asked.

"Her boar," Tryndamere answered.

"Oh."

**Tuesday – Noxus Headquarters – Afternoon**

"Three million views," Swain crowed. He pounded his cane excitedly against the marble floor of the meeting room. "In less than a week!"

Cassiopeia coiled her tail around herself coyly. "I'm a very good kisser."

Swain pulled out a video camera. "I have just the plan for our next step," he announced.

Cassiopeia tried to hide her excited smile.

"Draven, get over here!" Swain commanded.

Draven sauntered over. "Draven's always here when you need him."

"Go make out with Darius," Swain commanded.

Darius, who'd been slouching in his chair and ignoring Swain's yammering, sat up immediately. "What! No!"

"What about me?" Cassiopeia hissed angrily.

"Swain, this hasn't passed through our LeagueTube committee," protested LeBlanc.

Draven advanced on his brother. "Come here Darius, big boy, Draaaaven's waiting."

**Tuesday – Rakelstake Bar - Late Afternoon**

"And he says – _he_ says – 'I swear I had two when I came in here!'" Katarina finished.

Tryndamere nearly fell off his bar stool laughing. The excessive amounts of vodka he'd had probably didn't help his balance. Finding himself again, he slurred, "You're not so bad."

Just as drunk as her companion, Katarina nodded enthusiastically. "You're not so bad either."

"Even if you are banging my wife," Tryndamere clarified.

Katarina snorted and glanced around. "Hey, you know what? I'm actually not," she whispered loudly.

"WHAT?" Tryndamere roared, attracting many strange looks from the bar's other patrons.

Katarina gestured for him to lower his volume. Still whispering, she replied, "We're just taking things slow. You know? But don't tell anyone. Ashe said something about politics. And a relationship built on a deep emotional attachment instead of instant gratification would be bad for my reputation, you know?" She paused, and then drunkenly suggested, "Actually tell whoever you want. Cassiopeia's my sister. No one'll believe you."

Tryndamere staggered to his feet. "I'll bet someone will believe me!" And then he staggered out of the bar.

Katarina sat there alone for a moment. Then. "Oh shit." She stumbled out of the bar after him.

**Wednesday – Rakelstake Dining Hall - Morning**

Terribly hungover, Katarina stumbled into the dining hall not really expecting anything except a lukewarm (because gods forbid anything in the Freljord be hot) serving of bacon and eggs.

She had not been expecting Udyr to walk up and shove his nose into her crotch. By the time her bleary mind had worked itself around what was going on, the beast man was already out of convenient knifing range. Deciding chasing after him to stab his face was too much work, Katarina mumbled, "What the fuck?"

But Udyr ignored her in favor of conversing much too loudly with Sejuani, Volibear, and Olaf. The Winter's Claw champions seemed quite distressed.

"She's not having sex with Ashe," proclaimed Udyr.

"Are you sure?" Sejuani demanded. "Maybe Volibear should double check."

"I am your future son-in-law, not your dog," Volibear said.

"No, if you were my dog, I'd tell you to sniff her butt," Sejuani growled.

"What the hell is going on!" Katarina shouted. Still hungover, she immediately regretted it. In an attempt to lessen her pain, she rubbed at her temples and shut her eyes against the light. All she wanted was bacon – preferably bacon made out of Sejuani's overgrown pig.

"What is Ashe planning with you, Noxian?" Sejuani asked. She moved to invade Katarina's personal space but, upon smelling the intense reek of alcohol and morning breath, she backed away a few steps.

"I don't know, leave me alone," Katarina mumbled. Where was Singed? She needed Singed. More accurately, she needed one of Singed's great hangover cures.

"If Ashe doesn't want you as her whore, she's plotting some Noxian alliance," said Sejuani. "Trust an Avarosan to fall back on treachery instead of strength!"

Slowly, Katarina wrapped her head around what the leader of the Winter's Claw was saying. "So my not sleeping with Ashe makes me more suspicious than if I were."

Sejuani nodded to Katarina.

Katarina nodded to herself. She knew what needed to happen next. She shrugged off her heavy coat and pulled out a pair of knives. Singed wasn't there with his miracle hangover cure, but stabbing people was also a wonderful way to start the day.

**Wednesday – Rakelstake Dining Hall – Late Morning**

Ashe opened the door to the dining hall and watched a knife fly by a few inches away from her nose. "CHILDREN!" the queen shouted. Her cape fluttered regally behind her.

The chaos of the hall froze.

One by one the champions backed away from each other. Everyone looked furious. Especially Katarina, who had been in the middle of assaulting Udyr with a butter knife.

"What is going on?" Ashe asked as she swept into the hall. Behind her was a rather guilty looking Tryndamere. When all the participants in the carnage started to speak at once, Ashe held up a hand, silencing them. "Sejuani, explain this."

Sejuani gathered herself up and edged away from Katarina's butter knife. "You've invited a Noxian spy here to extend your power by deceitful tricks."

Ashe rolled her eyes. "Sejuani, I swear to you by the ice that Katarina is here as a guest because she is a very good personal friend of mine and any ulterior motives that I have – they have nothing to do with you or the Freljord. Now who put you up to this?"

"What do you mean who put me up to this?" Sejuani asked.

Ashe did her best not to roll her eyes again. "There's no way you heard I wasn't sleeping with Katarina and spun that off into a giant Noxian conspiracy theory by yourself," she said. "Who were you talking to?"

Sejuani shrugged. "Lissandra told me."

"Then I need to go speak with Lissandra," said Ashe. "Tryndamere, can you please make sure all this mess gets cleaned up? Katarina, I expected better behavior from you." The queen turned and left.

Katarina gripped her butter knife and fumed.

**Wedensday – Rakelstake Bar – Afternoon**

"I'm just saying," said a very drunk Tryndamere, "That even before…" he sort of waved at Katarina, "She never paid any attention to me. Not that I need attention. I don't need attention."

"No," agreed Katarina. "Attention is overrated. I'm a Noxian badass. I don't need attention either." She grabbed one of her shots and tossed it to the back of her throat.

Tryndamere continued, "Ashe is a very busy woman. She's queen. There are a lot of problems she has to deal with. She deals with problems all the time. Lots of problems." He gestured emphatically and almost fell off his bar stool.

Katarina nodded. "But she handles everything so well. She's so good at being queen. I like her."

"I like her too," said Tryndamere. "I like her so much I'm not trying to kill you."

The two were quiet for a while as thoughts drifted past their drunken minds.

Then Katarina said, "People get people gifts for Snowdown."

"Yes they do," said Tryndamere.

"I know what I'm getting Ashe," said Katarina.

"I'm getting her not killing you," said Tryndamere. "What are you getting her?"

Katarina smiled. "I'm going to make one of her problems disappear."

**Thursday – Rakelstake – Morning**

Katarina stalked the halls without her coat. She was cold, but wearing her coat would impede access to her knives. And she was going to need her knives to murder Lissandra.

If there was one thing Katarina had learned in her twenty-something years, it was that murder solved absolutely everything.

But first, she had to track down the Ice Bitch. The halls of the palace were crowded with people rushing this way and that preparing for Volibear's wedding, which would be held before the end of the Snowdown holiday so that it could happen in the Freljord instead of at the Institute of War. None of the workers were people who would so much as give Katarina the time of day, so she ignored them.

The first champion she encountered on her quest was Anivia. The blue bird did a strange curtsey maneuver in the hallway. At a loss for what to do in return, Katarina bowed.

This was, apparently, not the right response. Anivia clucked and said, "Oh dear, oh dear, what _are_ they teaching children in schools these days?"

"Excuse me, Anivia," Katarina tried, "Do you know where Lissandra is?"

The bird cocked her head to the side. "What _ever_ would you want to know that for?"

Realizing that she was holding a knife, Katarina shoved her hands behind her back. "I'm just curious."

"You know, curiosity killed the cat," Anivia warned.

"Well, maybe I like killing cats," Katarina replied. For the record, she had no actual interest in killing cats. Who would ever want to kill a cat? Cats were so cute. Everyone liked cats.

"I don't like cats that much, I admit," said Anivia. Well, Anivia didn't like cats. It was a bird thing. "Lissandra is on the northern terrace."

**Thursday – Rakelstake, the Northern Terrace – Afternoon**

By the time Katarina had figured out where the 'Northern Terrace' was, Lissandra was long gone. Volibear was there, however. He was sitting cross-legged on the balcony that overlooked the city of Rakelstake and his eyes were closed.

"Excuse me," said Katarina, "Have you seen Lissandra?"

The bear did not reply.

Katarina cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she repeated.

"I heard you the first time," rumbled Volibear.

"So have you seen Lissandra?" Katarina asked.

"My eyes are closed," replied Volibear. "I am busy meditating on my upcoming nuptials. What do you want?"

"I'm looking for Lissandra," said Katarina, rapidly becoming annoyed. The one thing that Volibear had going for him, as far she was concerned, was that he hadn't listened to Sejuani and attempted to sniff her crotch.

"Why do you seek Lissandra?" Volibear asked.

"Oh, I don't know," said Katarina. "Maybe so I can shove a knife in her face."

"In that case," said Volibear, "She's in her chambers taking a nap before dinner."

**Thursday – Rakelstake, Lissandra's Rooms – Evening**

Finding Lissandra's rooms was actually an easier task than finding the Northern Terrace. All Katarina had had to do was go in the direction no one else was headed.

Before long, she had arrived at a massive door made out of black ice. Where else could the princess of the Frostguard be but behind a giant block of black ice? Before she pushed the door open, Katarina checked for any other possible entrances. Front doors were so bad for assassinations. Finding no other ways into the room however, she tried the door.

To her surprise, the door was unlocked and swung open easily and silently. Conveniently, Lissandra was not facing the door and didn't see Katarina come in. Instead, the ice witch was sitting on her couch, intently staring at something on her laptop.

Stealthily, Katarina crept up behind Lissandra. She had her knife drawn and was about to plunge it into the back of Lissandra's neck when she caught sight of what was on the laptop's screen. And then she just couldn't help herself. "Holy shit!" Katarina exclaimed. "Darius doesn't even swing that way!"

"Right," agreed Lissandra. "I was under the impression he was right handed as well." Then she paused and turned and looked and realized there was an assassin in her room.

**Friday – Rakelstake Jail – Morning**

"You are lucky Lissandra didn't kill you," Ashe said. She stood with her arms crossed on one side of the bars to Katarina's cell. Katarina, of course, was sitting in manacles on the other side. With a black eye, various cuts and bruises, and a frost-bitten nose, the Noxian had definitely seen better days.

"Like she could," scoffed Katarina. "She's lucky I didn't kill her." She glared over at Lissandra, who was sitting in a cell across the hall from her. Lissandra looked just as beaten up as Katarina.

"Visiting you in jail was not on my agenda for Friday," Ashe said.

"Because spending time with me at all wasn't on your agenda," Katarina mumbled. "You're too busy being queen."

"What was that?" Ashe demanded.

"Nothing," said Katarina. "Just get me out already."

Ashe turned on her heel with a spin of her cape and stalked off. "Tryndamere, let them out and keep an eye on both of them. I need to oversee wedding decorations."

**Friday – Rakelstake Cathedral – Afternoon**

Katarina sat on the balcony of the grand Rakelstake Cathedral by herself. She was right by one of the wooden railings and she was digging her knife into it absentmindedly. It felt good to get her blade into something, even if it wasn't a body and she wasn't carving anything in particular.

Below her, Volibear and Bristle's wedding guests were filling into the room and finding their seats in the pews. While there were a few humans among them, most of the guests were bears and boars.

"Katarina, I'm sorry," came Ashe's voice from right next to Katarina's ear, close enough that Katarina felt the other woman's warm breath on her neck.

The Noxian jumped nearly a foot in the air from her seat. "How did you sneak up on me like that?" she demanded. Ashe was standing mere inches behind her.

The queen of the Freljord shrugged. "It's all about the cape."

Still recovering from the shot of terror-fueled adrenaline that Ashe had caused, Katarina warily asked, "Shouldn't you be down there doing something official?"

"No," said Ashe. "This is a Winter's Claw affair. They want me here, but not too close."

"So now that you're not wanted anywhere else you can come talk to me?" Katarina asked.

"Kat, that's not fair," said Ashe she wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's waist and pulled them together. "I didn't mean for the week to go like this. I'm not here very often and I have so many responsibilities…"

"You could have just not invited me," Katarina said. "I could have just gone home. Maybe I could have stopped that stupid video from going online." She shuddered. "I'm internet famous now."

Ashe nuzzled Katarina's neck. "And you deserve to be. You're very sexy. Much better looking than your sister, even just from the waist up. And I appreciate that you were trying to kill Lissandra for me."

"You do?" Katarina asked. "It didn't seem like that this morning."

"Did I ever tell you the moment I knew I liked you?" Ashe asked. "It was when I saw you trying to strangle Garen with your bare hands when your hands don't even fit all the way around his neck. You were just so adorable. I'd been wanting to do the same thing to him all that night."

"Really?"

"Mmhm," said Ashe. "And do you know the real reason I asked you to come to the Freljord?"

Katarina shook her head.

Ashe took her girlfriend's hand and pulled her away from the railing. "Come with me."

The queen of the Avarosans took them both out to a small outdoor balcony. A light sprinkling of snow was falling from a sky lit crimson and gold by the afternoon setting of Freljord sun. In the distance, the red light glinted off the endless sea of ice.

A smile found its way to Katarina's lips. "Ashe, this is beautiful."

"Just like you," said Ashe.

A chill wind gusted up and Katarina shivered. Ashe pulled off her cape and set it on the assassin's shoulders.

Katarina frowned. It really was all about the cape. She was suddenly warm, as if she was in Ashe's embrace. She glanced over at the queen, who was now standing out in the Freljord snow wearing boots, a miniskirt, and half a shirt. "Won't you get cold?" Katarina asked.

Ashe just smiled. "You're worth it."

**Epilogue**

Standing in the cluster of champions waiting to be summoned back to the League, Nunu looked down from Willump's shoulders at Ashe. "You can't date Katarina," he said.

Ashe sighed and looked up at the small boy. "And why is that, Nunu?"

"She's a ginger," said the boy. "She doesn't have a soul."

Ashe said to the yeti, "Willump, stop letting him spend so much time around Annie. She's not good for him."  
 **  
Epilogue 2**

Caitlyn looked at the report on her desk, then up at Jayce, then down at the report, then to Jayce again.

"Excellent work, if I may say so myself," said Jayce.

"Anivia and Jinx aren't even the same species," said Caitlyn. "How did you decide on Anivia anyway? She's practically the only non-humanoid female in the League."

"But Jinx has blue hair," said Jayce. "And Anivia is very blue."


	8. The Bake Sale

**Monday – Talon's Apartment – Morning**

Talon was just sitting down to his bowl of Lucky Charms and planning his day when he heard it.

THUD. THUD. THUD.

Someone was knocking at his door. At 6 a.m. With a cane. Which meant it could only be…

Talon pulled his door open and found Swain. The tactician was holding a video camera. "Talon, come, we-

Talon shut the door in Swain's face. **  
**  
 **Monday – LeBlanc's Office – Afternoon**

LeBlanc was sitting in her swivel chair behind her desk when she heard it.

"What do you mean your appropriations committee didn't approve my proposal?" Swain demanded.

LeBlanc shrugged gracefully and leaned back in her chair. "Politics. It's all smoke and mirrors. I'm sure an intelligent man like yourself can understand."

Swain pounded his cane into the floor. "Make them approve it. They're your committee. Isn't there an appeals process?"

"Yes, Jericho Swain, they are my committee. And that is why there will be no appeal. We will not approve funding for… 'The Noxus Shore.'"

Swain's hand that wasn't holding his cane curled into a fist. "I am the Grand General of Noxus. I will make my plans bear fruit. You will not stop me."

LeBlanc made a great show of picking up a stack of paperwork. "As Matron of the Black Rose, I have _important_ things to do. Go write poetry or something."

Swain turned and hobbled out of the room. His raven leapt off his shoulder and hovered above LeBlanc's desk. Splat. Bird droppings landed all over the Deceivers' precious paperwork. "Nevermore," the bird croaked.

**Monday – Multipurpose Room A – Evening**

Katarina walked into the multipurpose room. A circle of folding chairs had been set up in the middle of the space and half of the Noxian champions were already there. They'd strategically positioned themselves so there was at least one seat between every champion. No one wanted to sit next to Urgot – he rotted and stank – and Singed was known to inject people when he got bored.

Seeing there were no good seats left, Katarina sat down next to her sister. Across the circle, Draven made a lewd gesture. The Sinister Blade responded by hurling a knife at his face. Unfortunately, Darius, just arrived, caught the knife in midair before it hit. The Hand of Noxus sat down protectively next to his younger brother and glared. Cassiopeia made a lewd gesture.

It took another half hour for all the Noxians to arrive. Punctuality was for Demacians.

When Swain was satisfied with the turnout, he stood up and walked to the center of the circle. "Now, I'm sure many of you are wondering why I called this emergency meeting."

"Why isn't LeBlanc here?" Cassiopeia asked. "She loves meetings."

"Unfortunately," Swain growled, "LeBlanc can only be in so many places at once." He paused and looked around the circle, meeting the eyes of each of his champions. "As some of you may already know, I am making a reality documentary about each of your lives. And as some of you may know, the Noxian appropriations committee could not find funding for my project."

"Oh thank gods," rumbled Darius. Katarina was inclined to agree with him – for once.

"Caw!" screamed Swain's raven.

"Yes, I agree," Swain said to the raven. To Darius, he said, "Shut up." Continuing, he said to the group, "In order to make The Noxus Shore a reality, we must seek alternate methods of funding. I'm open to suggestions."

"I'm sure people would pay good money to play target practice with your bird," Talon suggested.

"Out of the question," snapped Swain. "Does anyone have a _reasonable_ suggestion?"

Morgana raised her hand. "Let's have a bake sale."

Swain nodded. "An efficient strategy. I assume you will do the baking?"

Singed raised his hand. "I'll help."

Cassiopeia made a loud gagging noise and many other Noxians shared a Look.

Morgana glanced disdainfully at Singed. "I have one condition. I will not be part of this 'Noxus Shore' fiasco."

"Deal!" Swain crowed. "Caw!" went his bird.

**Tuesday – The Main Street Outside the Institute of War – Morning**

Morgana draped a white sheet over a folding table. She'd taken a purple sharpie and written 'BAKE SALE' on it in thin, crooked letters. Mantheon, wearing his helmet, boxers, and an apron, set a giant crate of baked goods down next to the table. Singed took out a cashbox down. The setup was complete.

A short ways down the road, Katarina stood wearing sandwich boards that advertised the goods. "This is humiliating," she muttered. "Why am I doing this?"

Cassiopeia slithered up in a white t-shirt that said 'NOXUS: GET BAKED.' "You're doing this because you're my sister and you love me," she said. Katarina made a face. "And because you still owe me for setting you up with Ashe," Cass added. "Now help me find a hose."

Down the road in the other direction from the table, Darius hefted his axe. "Bake sales don't need security," he said.

Draven smoothed his hair. "But Draaaaven does. You're here to protect me when my fans mob us."

**Tuesday – The Noxus Bake Sale – Late Morning**

As it turned out, business was steady (word got around that Singed and Morgana had cooked up something _special_ , and more than one person bought a brownie just to try to sneak a peek under Pantheon's apron) and there was no mob – at least, not until the Ionians showed up.

Irelia was in the lead. The Will of the Blades marched up to the table. "It ends here," she announced.

"I'm sorry?" Morgana said politely.

"This charade," Irelia said. "We will not allow you to finance a second invasion of Ionia with this… bake sale."

"That's nice dear," said Morgana. "But could you get out of the way of paying customers?" Indeed, there was a line forming behind Irelia.

"They will go no further," said Soraka.

Morgana rolled her eyes and gestured. Suddenly Darius and Pantheon were standing on either side of her. "Now is it really the Ionian way to start a fight?"

Flustered, the assemblage of monks and ninjas shuffled out of the way of the growing line.

**Tuesday – The Noxus Bake Sale – Afternoon**

It wasn't the Ionian way to start a fight, but the Demacians couldn't resist a good challenge. Kennen had told Tristana and Tristana told Teemo and Teemo told Veigar and Veigar told the voices in his head and the voices in Veigar's head told Lulu and Lulu told Poppy and Poppy told Garen…

Garen held up a picket sign. "GOD HATES NOXUS!" he yelled into a megaphone.

Lux waved her own sign – 'DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT.' Behind her, Jarvan proudly hoisted his Demacian flagpole. Riven stood to the side and tried to pretend she didn't know those people. She wasn't the only one.

"Vy ah ve 'ere?" Fiora asked through a mouthful of brownie. She swallowed. "Zees brownies are quite delicious."

"I agree," said Quinn. She held up some brownie crumbs to her bird. "What do you think, Val?" The eagle pecked at the crumbs and then spat them out with a gagging sound. "You think they're poisoned?" Quinn asked. "Oh well, more for us."

Over by the table, Swain hobbled up. "How are sales?" he asked.

Singed tapped the cashbox. "Excellent. My brew has brought all the boys and girls to the yard."

Morgana crossed her arms. "I did all the hard work," she said.

"Good, good," said Swain. He pointed with his cane at the Demacians. "And them? Are they causing trouble?"

"THE DEVIL HIMSELF!" Garen shouted.

"They're actually very helpful," said Morgana. "People come buy things because they feel sorry for us."

"Hm," said Swain. "Just as long as they don't disrupt business."

**Tuesday – The Noxus Bake Sale – Evening**

At the end of the day it seemed that the bake sale had gone swimmingly. Except for the incident where Taric came to buy a cookie and fainted at the sight of Mantheon. But that didn't count.

Everything was perfect until Morgana sold the last brownie. That was when the Bilgewater Trio, Gangplank, Miss Fortune, and Graves, showed up looking to get baked as well as sloshed.

"What do ye mean the brownies are gone?" Gangplank slurred. "Why are the brownies gone?"

"We've sold out," said Morgana. "Come back tomorrow."

Gangplank turned to his drunk companions. "But why are the brownies gone?"

"Bad customer service!" Garen shouted. "We never run out of brownies in Demacia!"

"Garen," Lux hissed. "We're anti-brownies."

"Oh," said Garen. "Uh… DEMACIA!"

Wukong opened his eyes from where he was sitting and meditating (peaceful protest!) with the other Ionians. "Is it time to go home yet?" he asked.

Meanwhile, over at the table the Bilgewater champions were getting rowdy. Graves slammed his fist into the table. "I want brownies!"

Darius hefted his axe. "Come back tomorrow."

"But we want them now," Miss Fortune argued. She took a long draught from her flask. And then another one. Just to be safe. Then she leaned over the table and winked at Darius. "Come on, don't you have just one hidden away somewhere?"

Darius blushed. "Well, I, uh…"

"Hey, if she gets one, I should get one too," said Gangplank.

Graves tapped the pirate on the shoulder. "But you don't have boobs."

Fiora pushed her way to the table. "I 'ave breasts an' I would like another brownie!"

Riven looked at Quinn. "How many brownies has Fiora had?"

Quinn grinned and did a pirouette. "Not as many as me!"

At the table, things were getting tense. "We're not leaving without brownies," Graves announced.

Pantheon stepped out from behind the table to tower over Graves. "Go away. Immediately."

Graves was too drunk to be intimidated. "You picked the wrong fight, buddy." He reached out and shoved Pantheon.

And then all hell broke loose. As best as anyone could tell, it played out something like this:

Pantheon shoved Graves back. Gangplank and Miss Fortune came to their comrade's aid. Darius decided that, since he was security, it was a good time for some violence. The Demacians saw a Noxian assaulting innocents and immediately charged into the fray. The Ionians then jumped up from their meditation because they'd been waiting all day for someone else to start a fight for them.

From down the street, Katarina, Cassiopeia, and Draven all came running to the defense of the bake sale. Olaf and Sejuani were wandering by and, seeing a brawl, couldn't help themselves and leapt in. At this point, Morgana attempted to soul shackle everyone, but a stray lightning bolt from Kennen stunned her and then, well, no one was really sure what happened after that.

What was for certain was that the proceeds of the bake sale were just enough to cover the damages inflicted by the riot.

**Wednesday – Swain's Lair – Morning**

Swain paced back and forth around his hideout. The bake sale had been an utter disaster. And he still needed money. Giving up on walking (his leg hurt, pacing was hard work), Swain sat down in front of his bank of monitors.

On every screen, the champions of Noxus were going about their lives sparing not a thought for Swain's great vision. Talon was watching Passions. Cassiopeia was watching Passions. Katarina was sitting next to her sister and watching Passions because Cass had taken her TV. And Darius… Darius was putting on his Official Dunk Squad (TM) athletic shoes so he could go play basketball.

That was it! Swain looked up at his raven. "What I need," he said, "Is a corporate sponsor."

**Wednesday – The Sheriff's Office – Afternoon**

Swain swept into Caitlyn's office. Dramatically. He did love a good entrance.

Caitlyn looked up. She had her feet propped up on her desk and she was reading manga. "What do you want?" she asked.

"I understand that you're holding Mundo in a jail cell here," Swain said. "I demand to speak with him."

"Go bother Vi," Caitlyn said. She looked back down at her manga. Yuki was about to start crying – the one scene she was rereading all of _Gravitation_ for.

**Wednesday – Vi's Desk – Afternoon**

Swain approached Vi's desk. The pink haired woman was intently doing something or another on her computer. It involved a lot of rapid clicking, pounding her keyboard, and screaming obscenities.

"Vi, I require your assistance immediately," Swain said.

"FUCK YEAH!" Vi screamed. "BAITED AND OUTSMARTED, BITCHES!"

"Vi, I require your assistance immediately!" Swain tried again.

The woman kept ignoring him. "FUCKING KILLSTEALERS!"

Swain picked up a ring of keys off of Vi's desk. "Are these the keys for the jail cells?" he asked.

"VI STANDS FOR KICKING YOUR ASS!" Vi screamed at her computer.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Swain. He hobbled off, leaving Vi to her... whatever she was doing.

**Wednesday – The Jail – Afternoon**

Swain hobbled into the jail. It was rows upon rows of empty cells. In fact, only two were occupied. In one sat Jinx. She waved at Swain when he came in. In the other sat Mundo.

"Mundo," said Swain. "I have need of your resources."

"Mundo have resources?" the madman asked.

"Yes," said Swain. "Specifically, I need your money."

"Ohhhh," went Mundo. "Corporate Mundo!"

"I am making a reality show. The Noxus Shore. I need you to fund it," said Swain.

Mundo scratched his head. "Mundo no care about TV."

"Well then what do you want, Dr. Mundo?" Swain asked.

Mundo sat there and scrunched up his face. Thinking was hard. "Mundo want Vayne. Mundo want a date with Vayne."

"Why do you want Vayne?" Swain asked. It wasn't that he didn't understand wanting to kill Vayne, she was a pest, but why would Mundo care?

Mundo shrugged. "Don't know."

From her cell, Jinx piped up, "I know!"

**Flashback**

Mundo stood outside the bathrooms. He scratched his head. Which door was a Mundo door?

In his defense, bathrooms at the Institute of War were the most confusing bathrooms in all Runeterra.

It hadn't taken the building management long to realize that asking Jarvan to pee next to Darius would never end well, no matter how many times they tried.

So building management came up with the city state system.

There was a Noxian bathroom with a women's section and a men's section.

And there was a Demacian bathroom with a women's section and a men's section.

And there was a Void creature's bathroom (no one wanted to be around a pooping Kog'maw – what came out his rear end was even worse than what came out the front).

And there were three Freljord bathrooms because Lissandra's icy presence did terrible things to toilet seats and neither Ashe nor Sejuani wanted to put up with that, or each other.

And, of course, there were bathrooms for everyone else.

It was quite elegant, in theory. The doors were even color coded for convenience. And if you were one of the elite few at the Institute who could keep the colors and symbols straight, it worked quite well in practice.

Mundo watched as Shyvanna, Lux, and Vayne, after much deliberation and pointing at various bathrooms, walked past him and through one of the many, many doors.

That door was just as good as any, he thought. "Mundo will go where he pleases," Mundo announced. He lumbered through the door.

A flaming dragon dragged him back out.

Then, a flash of light -

"DEMACIA!"

When Mundo regained consciousness, Vayne was standing over him pointing her crossbow at his face. A few feet away, Caitlyn was taking a witness statement from Shyvanna. Lux was crying hysterically. Riven was doing her best to comfort her girlfriend.

None of the mattered to the mad doctor though. He was busy staring up into the eyes of his true love.

**End Flashback**

"And that's how it happened," finished Jinx.

"I see, I see," said Swain. "And Dr. Mundo, if I were to procure a date for you with Vayne, would you fund my television series?"

"Mundo make good corporate decision!" Mundo announced enthusiastically. "You help Mundo, Mundo help you."

"I can help too!" Jinx volunteered. She stepped out of her jail cell. "Free of charge. I want to be the Noxus Shore's biggest fangirl!"

"How did you do that?" Swain demanded.

Jinx shrugged. "I just let myself out. Kinda like I let myself in. Sometimes I just like to hang out here to annoy Vi."

**Wednesday – A Dark Rooftop – Evening**

Vayne crouched on the clay tiles of the building as she scanned the streets for creatures of evil. She scrutinized every shadow. One never knew where monsters might lurk.

"HI!" said Jinx.

Vayne nearly fell off the rooftop. Clutching a nearby chimney to steady herself, she looked behind her. Jinx was sitting on the peak of the roof, chewing bubblegum and being generally Jinx-like. "How did you get up here?" Vayne asked.

Jinx shrugged. "I took the stairs. But that's not important. What is important is your date with Mundo tonight."

"What?" said Vayne. She couldn't possibly have heard the lunatic correctly. "My what?"

"Your date," Jinx said helpfully. "With Dr. Mundo. Tonight."

Vayne hefted her crossbow. "And what makes you think that's going to happen?"

"Because," Jinx began, "If you do this, then that means Swain gets to make his Noxus reality show. And then not only do you get to watch a Noxus reality show, but just think about all the werewolves and vampires you can kill while all those Noxians are too busy to be evil creeps!"

Vayne frowned. The maniac had a point.

**Thursday – Cassiopeia's Apartment – Morning**

When Cassiopeia heard the knocking at her chamber door, she slithered over and threw it open. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

Swain set up his video camera while Cassiopeia made herself a Sex on the Beach. Sipping her fruity drink, she coiled up in front of the camera like it was her natural habitat.

Swain hit 'Record.' "So how did it feel to kiss your sister?" Swain asked.

Cassiopeia straightened up a little. "I thought this was going to be about me?"

"It will be, it will be," Swain assured her. "But right now we're filming a trailer for the Noxus Shore. Something to get people hooked."

Cass shrugged. "She needs chap stick. Maybe that should be her birthday present?"  
 **  
Thursday – Katarina's Apartment – Afternoon**

"Now just look into the camera," ordered Swain.

Katarina sat on her couch and fumed. Swain stood behind the damn electronic device and pointed it at her.

"You're just going to take everything I say and edit it together to sound horrible," Katarina accused.

"That is how reality TV works," said Swain. "But knowing you, I don't think I'll have to do much editing." He pressed the 'Record' button and a little red light came on. "Now, give us the down low, did you screw Riven in that broom closet, or did she screw you?"

Katarina let out a wordless scream, stood up, and stabbed the camera.

Swain bent down and retrieved the memory card from the wreckage. "Good, good…"

**Thursday – Draven's Temple To Draven (aka, Draven's Apartment) – Late Afternoon**

Draven opened his door before Swain could even knock. "I see you saved the best for last," he declared.

Swain pulled out the video camera. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. Then he said, "Just be yourself." He pressed 'Record.'

Draven began to prance.

**Thursday – The Basketball Court – Evening**

"He prances," said Darius to the camera. "He dances. He preens. But he's my brother." The Hand of Noxus leaned up to the lens. "And Katarina, if I ever catch you throwing a knife at him ever again, I will cut the head from your shoulders and hang it over my door."

**Thursday – Talon's Apartment – Night**

Talon stood in his doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. "I don't answer to you. You have nothing on me."

"Are you willing to bet on that?" Swain asked. "Is that a risk you want to take?"

Talon glared. "Fine."

Swain held up the camera. "Now tell Runeterra about your obsession with LeBlanc."

"My what?"

"Your LeBlanc obsession," Swain said. "All those pinups you have of her in your bedroom."

Talon twitched. "It's not porn, it's research into the disappearance of General Du Couteau!"

"So that's what children are calling it these days," Swain mumbled. "And the pictures of Cassiopeia?

"Also research!"

**Friday – Lux's Apartment – Morning**

Riven woke up in Lux's bed and yawned. The light mage had already left, probably to make the delicious pancakes Riven could smell.

The Demacian got out of bed, got dressed, and headed to the kitchen. "Good morning Lux," she said. "Good morning Garen."

Lux walked over and gave her girlfriend a kiss on the cheek. Garen grunted and then looked over the top of the newspaper he was reading. "I still don't understand why I'm not an uncle yet."

Lux and Riven didn't even sigh. They just went about their morning routine. The best thing to do with Garen when he was being dense, Lux had explained shortly after The Incident, was to ignore him. Sometimes it was hard. It had gotten particularly hard after Lux had given him a key to her apartment so she could stop having to repair her door every time he kicked it down. But trying to argue with him lead nowhere good.

Riven and Lux were enjoying their pancakes when Garen suddenly slammed his newspaper into the table and jumped out of his seat. "YOU'RE CHEATING ON MY SISTER!" he roared.

"What?" Riven said.

Lux raised her hands in case she needed to bind anyone in place. Paying for damages to her apartment with Riven and Garen wrecking the place on a regular basis was not in her budget.

Garen shook the newspaper. "It says right here you slept with Katarina in a broom closet!"

"Give me that," Riven said. She snatched the newspaper out of Garen's hands. "No, it says that there's a Noxus reality show where someone says I slept with Katarina in a broom closet. I didn't." She turned to Lux. "Lux, you remember what happened."

Garen rounded on Lux. "YOU TOO?"

**… To be continued?**

**Epilogue**

Caitlyn shoved Jayce's report in the trash. "Lulu is not Jinx's sister."

"How do you know?" Jayce demanded. He'd put a lot of hard work into that report!

"Because," Caitlyn said, doing her best to remain patient, "Lulu is a yordle."

"What's that got to do with anything?" Jayce asked. "Wikipedia told me insanity has genetic causes and runs in families."

**Deleted Scene**

"… and then Mundo say, 'Me Mundo!'"

"Mmhm," Vayne responded. They were sitting at a table in diner. The food was untouched. Vayne was sharpening her silver bolts. Mundo was regaling her with tales of Mundo.

Suddenly, Vayne said, "Mundo, I need a favor." She pointed to where Warwick was eating a severely undercooked hamburger. "Be a dear and go over there and distract him for me."

Mundo got up. "Mundo go where Vayne pleases!" he announced.

Vayne lifted her crossbow and tested its weight. Perfect. This, she thought, was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

* * *


	9. Noxus Shore

**Monday – Jarvan IV's Office – Afternoon**

Standing outside Jarvan's door, Riven frowned down at the note she'd received from Quinn. Lux had assured her that it was perfectly normal for the prince to summon people to come alone to his private quarters with an overnight bag for the purpose of serving Demacia. Apparently he did this to Garen all the time.

Riven had not found that particularly comforting.

Hesitant, Riven picked up the door knocker (which was in the shape of a Demacian crest) and gave it a few sharp raps.

"Enter!" commanded Jarvan.

Riven pushed the door open.

The prince was sitting at his desk in front of his laptop. "Ah, Riven," he said. "You got my message." He closed his laptop and patted it. "You know, the internet is really, really great."

At a loss for what to say in response, Riven recalled her Demacia 101 class. When in doubt, just say, "For Demacia!"

Jarvan nodded. "Exactly! The internet is really, really great - for Demacia. And do you, Riven, know what else is great for Demacia?"

Riven gulped. Was this a pop quiz? "Uh, Demacia?"

"Well, obviously," Jarvan said. "But do you know what else is great for Demacia?"

"Garen?"

"Yes, but what else?"

"A system of hereditary constitutional monarchy?"

Jarvan preened. "And…?"

Riven was at a loss. She should have spent less time napping in Demacia class. "Griffons? The Measured Tread? Law? Order? A moral superiority complex?" She paused. That last one was definitely not from Demacia 101. Luckily, Jarvan was just nodding absentmindedly. Riven cast her eyes around Jarvan's room, hoping to see something that would jog her memory. "Blue and gold?"

"Exactly!" Jarvan said, suddenly sitting up straight and paying attention again. "Gold!" Jarvan banged his fist on the desk for emphasis. "An opportunity has arisen for you to earn quite a lot of gold for Demacia, Riven," he said. "Are you ready to put your life and body on the line for Demacia like a true Demacian?"

Riven gulped. She did not like where this was going. Nope. Not one bit. "For Demacia?"

**Tuesday – The Beach of a Deserted Tropical Island in the Middle of Effing Nowhere**

And so it was that Riven found herself surrounded by Noxians and holding nothing but her sword and her very hastily grabbed toothbrush.

It seemed like practically everyone marginally attractive had been rounded up. Katarina was there. Darius was there. Draven, Talon, Cassiopeia, Vladimir, and LeBlanc were all there.

"FOR NOXUS!" Swain declared, pounding his cane into the sand. Behind him stood a camera crew.

"FOR NOXUS!" Darius and Katarina responded with gusto.

"FOR DRAVEN!" yelled Draven.

The rest of the assembled champions stared at those four, recognizing them for the lunatics they were.

"For Noxus," Swain continued, "You will all compete on this island for the ultimate prize, the fame, the glory, the adulation that comes with…"

"Which will clearly go to Draven," said Draven.

"A place as a gladiator in a revival of the Fleshing."

Everyone went pale. Well, except for Draven.

"Great!" said Draven.

Darius grabbed his brother, pulled him a little ways from the group, and began whispering urgently while flailing his arms around.

"Draven wins, let's go home now," Cassiopeia said. "All in favor, raise your hands."

All the contestants raised their hands – well, everyone except Darius, who grabbed Draven's hand and pulled it down as well.

"Motion has been passed," LeBlanc declared. "It's decided."

"Motion has not passed!" Darius shouted. He pulled out his axe. "Take your hands down or I'll take them down for you."

If there was anything that could rile a Noxian up faster than mentioning 'that one episode of Passions,' it was a good threat.

It wasn't entirely clear who threw the first knife (though let's be honest, it was probably Katarina), but once the brawl started, it really didn't matter.

Swain cackled and cripple-danced his way over to check one of the many cameras pointed at the massive fist and blade and spell fight. "Excellent," he muttered to himself.

Meanwhile, Riven crawled away from the fight to go hide in a bush. She pulled out the cell phone that Jarvan had given her before sending her off and hit speed dial one. She could have also hit speed dial two, or three, or four – or anything really because the phone was only setup to call the prince.

**Tuesday – Jarvan IV's Office**

In the middle of reading a really good fanfic about himself, Jarvan glared at his phone as it rang. With a sigh, he picked it up and answered. "This is Prince Jarvan IV of Demacia speaking. Identify yourself."

"JARVAN, IT'S RIVEN, I NEED-

Jarvan yanked the phone away from his ear for a moment before turning down the volume significantly. Then, "Hello Riven, how is-

(garbled screaming)

"The gold wasn't for you winning – Swain paid us for your participation." Jarvan explained patiently.

(more garbled screaming)

Jarvan said, "We're trying this new-fangled idea called diplomacy. It seems to be working very well so-

(etc)

"I really don't think extraction is possible at this time – it would be breach of contract."

(rather strident screaming)

"Riven, that's not a very Demacian thing to say, I-

(rather angry strident screaming)

"That is definitely not covered in the regulations for proper use of a Demacian flagpole, and-

(lots and lots of screaming)

"But that's not sanitary, it would-

CLICK.

Jarvan stared at his phone in confusion. Had something gone wrong with the signal? Oh well.

Deciding he didn't want his fanfic reading to be further interrupted, Jarvan switched his phone to silent and returned to reading that most excellent tale of himself being epic.

**Wednesday – A Forest on a Deserted Tropical Island in the Middle of Effing Nowhere**

Team Killers Inc. was huddled around a clear stream, drinking water. All of them looked a little worse for wear. After the previous day's scuffle and then the ensuing attempts to field treat injuries with nothing but the clothes on their backs, no one had had time to erect any kind of shelter, so the group had gone to sleep hungry and on uncovered ground.

"We have to get out of here," Riven said. Her training as a field commander had kicked in. If Jarvan wasn't going to help her off the island (seriously, why did no one ever actually help her when she requested backup?), she just had to take the lead and make it happen herself.

"Traitor has a point," agreed Cassiopeia, appraising the one Demacian in the group. There were only so many people on the island that she wasn't related to and didn't hate (not that those categories didn't have a lot of overlap) and she was getting a little… bored. Also, leadership and power were quite attractive.

"I'm going to win," said Draven as he strutted about. "Draaaaaven will be a gladiator. It will be fabulous."

"We're going to have to do something about him," Talon muttered.

"Good thing you're good at murdering people," Cassiopeia replied.

"Wait," said Riven, holding up a hand. "We might need him. Swain designed this reality show. One of the challenges we face may involve human sacrifice."

Mind made up, Cassiopeia leered at Riven. "I like the way you think."

Riven involuntarily shuddered.

**Wednesday – That God-forsaken Beach on the Miserable Deserted Tropical Island in the Middle of Effing Nowhere**

"Greetings Team Killers Inc.," Swain began, nodding at Riven's team. He then turned to Katarina's team, "And Team Hatorade. I'm glad to see you've all made it to the first challenge alive, even though you all have all your limbs attached – the advertisers pay more for more blood, Vlad, I am disappointed."

The hemomancer shrugged. "I can still fix that."

"Today," Swain announced, "Your first challenge will be to carry your team's flag two miles down this beach." Swain used his cane to point to two flags, which were actually hundred pound dumbbells painted in their teams colors. "Whoever gets their flag to the end zone first gets to watch the season finale of Passions tonight. The losing team has to send someone home, so-"

"VICTORY BELONGS TO DRAAAAVEN!" Draven screamed. He dashed out, picked up his team's flag, and started hauling it to the finish line in the distance.

"Good," Katarina said to her team. "Now all we have to do is let him win. Just- WAIT! DARIUS!"

The Hand of Noxus had sprinted over to Team Hatorade's weight and was staggering after his brother. "I can't let him win!" he shouted back.

Back with Team Killers Inc., Cassiopeia and Talon shared a meaningful look.

"It is the season finale today," Cassiopeia began.

"And we have been waiting all week for this," Talon continued.

"One challenge won't make that much of a difference," Cassiopeia continued.

They nodded.

"Draven, we're coming!" Cassiopeia shouted as she began to slither down the beach after her teammate.

"Guys!" Riven yelled after them. "No…"

"Hurry up, traitor!" Cassiopeia yelled. "Come put those dumb jock muscles to use, dyke!"

"I'm not a dumb jock!" Riven yelled back as she started to jog down the beach after her team. "I just like to work out…"

Over with team Hatorade, Katarina caught sight of her sister winding through the sand. That was unacceptable. Cassiopeia was not allowed to beat Katarina at anything. ANYTHING. "Fuck this," Katarina muttered. "Hold up, Darius, I'll help!"

LeBlanc crossed her arms as she watched Katarina run off. This was ridiculous. She hefted her staff. "Get back here!" She sent two chains flying out. They latched onto Darius and Katarina's backs. LeBlanc went to pull the two Noxians back, but suddenly found herself being dragged through the sand. She had severely miscalculated – apparently Darius and Katarina combined were a little bit stronger than she was.

Vlad, meanwhile, had no interest in any of the proceedings. But he was feeling rather hungry. He cast his eyes about. Oh. Look. A Demacian.

Vladimir the great and powerful hemomancer set off with a meaningful stride headed straight for Riven.

Up at the front, Draven and Talon were carrying the flag between them, shuffling along as fast as they could. Katarina and Darius were trying to do the same, but it was difficult when they were moving the hundred pound weight and LeBlanc, who was steadfastly holding onto her staff and chains even though she was getting sand all down her shirt for her trouble.

Cassiopeia was happily slithering along beside her team, saying encouraging things like, "Man up Talon!" and "I'm not going to help – I wasn't built for picking up and putting down heavy objects. I'm the moral support."

A scream pierced the air.

Cassiopeia turned around. There was Riven, being chased down by a very hungry Vlad.

The snake woman considered her options. She could hardly blame the hemomancer, Riven did look very tasty. And her team needed her. But every extra living body on the island was one less chance that she, Cassiopeia, would win. Hm. Well, there was nothing else for it then – "Riven, close your eyes!" Cass shouted.

"What?" Riven shouted.

"Close your eyes!" Cass shouted again.

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

With no better options, Riven closed her eyes. She felt something tingle over her skin. She opened her eyes and looked behind her.

Mr. Puddles was hastily retreating over the sandy beach. When he'd gotten some distance away, he reconstituted himself and glared. "Fine. Be that way. I'll just go eat someone else. I didn't like you anyhow."

Clutching her sword to her chest like a baby blanket, Riven stumbled over to Cassiopeia. "Thanks Cassie. I – I don't know what happened. I thought I could fight him off, but then I just wasn't as strong as I thought I was…"

"Hm," said Cass. "You probably caught Nerf. It's like mono; you just wake up one day feeling a little bit weaker. Irelia's had it a few times."

"Oh, I…" Riven paused. "Cassie, why are you standing so close to me?"

"You know Riven," Cass said, "It's awfully lonely on this island and I just saved your life."

In a stunning display of athleticism, Riven jumped about six feet away in a single bound. "Cassie! I have a girlfriend!"

"Who I'm sure would be very grateful you're still alive," Cassiopeia said.

"Shit," Riven said to herself. And then she started running again.

**Wednesday – Some Awful Forest on the Miserable Deserted Tropical Island in the Middle of Effing Nowhere**

Riven sat hunched in front of a camera. She kept looking over her shoulder.

"So Talon and Draven made us win," she said. "And now we're watching the season finale of Passions on an iPad screen. And I actually really missed watching that show…" Riven trailed off. Then she snapped back to the present.

"I've tried calling Jarvan, but he's not picking up his phone. I'm worried I'm trapped here. I'm going to die – or end up owing Cassiopeia sexual favors. She's really pissed I ran off… How do you even do that with a snake? … Lux? Honey, if you see this, I love you and I'm sorry we never got married and tell Garen I'm sorry I never knocked you up – I think it's for the best if we just never try explaining that one to him again – well, you, because I'm going to die…"

Riven wiped a few tears from her eyes and then glanced over her shoulder again. "Oh, shit, commercials are over, got to go –"

**Wednesday The Other Side of the Awful Forest on the Miserable Deserted Tropical Island in the Middle of Effing Nowhere**

"I'm going home," said Katarina.

"No, I am," said LeBlanc. Suddenly there were two of her. They spoke together, "You're outvoted."

Darius grunted. "I don't care who goes home, I'm staying to keep an eye on Draven."

"I am going home," said Vladimir. He smiled. "If you don't vote for me, I'll drain you all dry in your sleep."

"Vlad's going home," said Katarina.

"Seconded," said the two LeBlancs.

"Whatever," said Darius.

**Thursday – Lux's Apartment**

Lux sat on her couch browsing the internet on her laptop. She was getting a little worried – she hadn't seen Riven since Monday when Jarvan had called on the newly minted Demacian to serve Demacia. It wasn't uncommon for Demacians to go off on weeklong missions for Demacia, but Lux had expected Riven to at least call or something.

Maybe the mission was top secret.

Lux sighed to herself and kept browsing the internet. She pulled up LeagueTube. Huh. What was this? The site suggested that she'd probably like a new show called "Noxus Shore." And the first episode had been posted just that morning…

**Thursday – The Island of DOOM**

Riven was very happy to find herself still alive when she woke up at dawn. No one had stabbed her in her sleep. It was an auspicious start to the day.

Riven walked off to the nearby stream with her toothbrush. If there was one thing she'd learned from all her years marching and camping, it was that you couldn't afford to skimp on dental hygiene. Supposing she ever got off the godsforsaken island, Lux would be sad if all her teeth had rotted out.

Having cleaned up as best she could, Riven returned to Team Killers Inc.'s little clearing and found it… much less peaceful than how she'd left it.

Over in one corner, Talon was awkwardly holding one knife out to use as a mirror while he shaved with another one. Judging from the amount of blood coming out of his face, it wasn't going very well.

And in the middle of the clearing…

"It's Draven's!" Draven yelled, yanking on the iPad.

"NO!" Cassiopeia hissed. "I need it!"

"NO, ME!" Draven yelled.

Cassiopeia gave the iPad a vicious pull. "How am I supposed to do my makeup without a mirror?"

Draven yanked right back. "I need. To admire. Draven," he grunted.

Riven facepalmed. Why did she have to end up on the team with all the vain idiots? She pulled out her sword and walked over to the two children. "Here's how this will work," she said. "I'm going to cut the iPad in half and then you can both have a mirror."

"NOOOOO!" both of them shrieked.

Riven waved her sword around threateningly. "Then take turns or something!"

**Thursday – The Other Side of the Island**

Team Hatorade was having a staring contest.

Since Darius and Katarina could both only stare down one person at a time, LeBlanc was winning by a lot.

"I don't trust you," said Katarina, narrowing her eyes in a futile attempt not to blink.

LeBlanc bared her teeth. "The feeling is mutual, Du Couteau. You're just the sort of person to do something like this."

Darius gripped his axe tightly. "I don't care who did it as long as they pay."

In the middle of the three (well, four, really) of them, someone had written out a plot summary with spoilers of the season finale of Passions.

**Thursday – The Other Other Side of the Island**

Talon chucked a pencil into a bush and chuckled to himself.

**Thursday – Back with Riven**

Babysitting Cassiopeia and Draven sucked.

Why were Cassiopeia and Draven fighting over Cassiopeia's mascara?

Why wasn't Talon back from foraging yet?

What was mascara anyway?

Riven was looking at her life. Riven was looking at her choices. Somewhere, somehow, she'd gone terribly, terribly wrong.

"NO, YOU CAN'T BORROW MY MASCARA!" Cassiopeia shouted.

"DRAVEN NEEDS HIS MASCARA!" Draven yelled back. "THERE ARE CAMERAS OUT THERE!"

"GUYLINER IS UGLY ON YOUR FUGLY MUG ANYWAY," Cassiopeia screamed.

Riven nursed a migraine. "Can't you just share this mascara stuff?" she asked.

"No!" said Draven and Cassiopeia.

"It's unsanitary," said Draven to Cassiopeia.

Cassiopeia nodded. "She's just a dumb jock dyke, no reason to listen to her."

"For the last time, just because I go to the gym doesn't mean I'm a dumb jock dyke," Riven protested.

"No, being a dumb jock dyke makes you a dumb jock dyke," Cassiopeia retorted.

"Cassie, that's really offensive," Riven said.

"Yeah, well, you can s-

**AND NOW FOR A BRIEF WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR**

Dr. Mundo stared deep into the red light on the camera.

"Welcum to Mundo's Shose Shop!"

SHLURRRRP.

"You two can go where Mundo pleezes."

Shlip. shlurp. shlup.

"Buy Mundo shose. Be upwardly Mundo."

Sssshp.

"Mundo's Shose Shop!"

**Thursday – Garen's Apartment**

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Garen was torn. He could open the door, or he could finish polishing his sword. Oh gosh. Decisions.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

He set down his cloth. "I'm coming!"

There was a brief flash of red light. "DEMACIA!" Lux's laser disintegrated Garen's front door, and the wall on the other side of his living room.

Garen frowned. "Luxanna Crownguard, destroying someone's door is hardly polite."

"Riven," Lux said, breathing heavily.

Garen looked around. "I don't think she's here right now."

"We have to save Riven," Lux said.

"Now Luxanna," Garen said, "Riven is a strong young Demacian, I hardly think-

"Garen, do you want to be an uncle or not?"

Garen paused. Why yes, he did want to be an uncle.

"SO COME WITH ME AND SAVE RIVEN!" Lux screamed. "RALLY DEMACIA! WE'RE MOVING OUT!"

**Friday – That Godawful Island**

Walking with the rest of Team Killers Inc. to the beach, Riven had never been so happy to be heading toward certain doom. Someone was going to die or leave or have fatal injury befall them, and as far as she was concerned, it really didn't matter who as long as there was at least one less person on the island for her to listen to.

At least, for the most part, Cassiopeia and Draven had stopped screaming. They were now just muttering darkly.

"It wasn't an STD," snapped Cassiopeia. "Who told you that?"

"Katarina," said Draven. "So it must be true."

"That bitch!"

When they got to the beach, Team Hatorade was already there and waiting with Swain. Also waiting for them was a giant swimming pool of acid.

"Why is there a giant swimming pool of acid?" Talon asked.

"I'm glad you asked," said Swain.

"You had to ask," Katarina muttered.

"For the next challenge, both teams will swim through-

Swain was interrupted by a massive roar.

"Up there!" Darius said, pointing.

"It's a bird," Swain said confidently. He knew a bird when he saw one.

"It's a plane," said LeBlanc. Swain was an idiot.

"No, it's DRAAAAVEN," Draven said, striking a pose.

"Actually, it looks a lot like Shyvanna," said Riven. She squinted up at the rapidly approaching dragon. "With a lot of people on her back."

And then the assembled Noxians heard it.

A bunch of mouths all screaming "DEMACIA" all at different times and in different pitches.

It was awful.

Katarina clapped her hands over her ears and the rest of the Noxians did the same. Except for Riven because she was a Demacian and therefore immune to the Demacia effect. She started jumping up and down and waving enthusiastically at the rescue party.

Breathing fire down at the beach, Shyvanna beat her wings and slowly landed. Various and assorted Demacian champions jumped off her back, weapons at the ready.

"In the name of Demacia," Lux declared, pointing her baton at Swain threateningly, "I will punish you!"

Swain puffed up angrily. "You'll do no such thing, little girl," he snapped. "Not until after we finish filming episode two."

Lux glared, "Absolutely not, I-

Quinn tapped Lux on the shoulder. "Actually, I sort of want to see what he's going to do with all these Noxians and that vat of acid…"

Valor squawked.

"Oh, really? He's going to do that?" Quinn said to the bird. "In that case, I really want to see this."

The entire thing quickly became a moot point though, because Shyvanna sneezed, sending fire spraying out all over the beach. The champions dodged out of the way, but the swimming pool was unable to do the same.

Swain cried as all his hopes and dreams went up in flames.

**Friday – Lux's Apartment**

"You would never actually do anything with Cassiopeia, right?" Lux asked. She was cuddled up in Riven's arms on their couch.

"Of course not, honey," Riven assured her girlfriend. "You're the only one for me. And, Cass can be nice, but she's… got that little problem. And I'm a Demacian now."

"Mmm," replied Lux. She buried her face in Riven's neck. "You've been gone so long and I've missed you so much…"

"I've missed you too. But do you think you could wait, like, just one hour?" Riven said. Then the white haired woman picked up the remote and turned on Passions. "I watched the season finale, and now I need to know what happened right before that."

Lux sat up and glared. "Uhg. Noxians."


	10. The Therapist Is In

**Monday – Morning – Karma's Office: The Therapist is IN: Lux and Garen**

There were days when Karma questioned her sanity.

Those days were not very frequent compared to the days when she questioned the sanity of her coworkers.

Today, she was questioning the sanity of her coworkers.

Lux and Garen sat on the couch in front of her.

"I don't have a problem," Garen insisted.

Lux rolled her eyes and turned to her brother. "Teemo," she said.

Garen immediately started shrieking and dropped down to hide under the couch. "GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! DEMACIA!"

Karma sighed. Sae eleisa tera vi - it was going to be a long week.

**Monday – Afternoon: Vi**

"I don't have anger management problems," said Vi.

"You don't?" Karma asked as non-confrontationally as she could. She really liked her nose and didn't want Vi's fist to accidentally hit it.

"Yeah, I don't," said Vi. "I don't get mad. I get even." The pink haired enforcer emphatically brought one giant fist down on Karma's coffee table, breaking the poor little thing in half and sending splinters flying. "Uh, oops? Sorry."

"So when you punched out three of Jinx's teeth last week and were removed from active duty for police brutality…?"

"Cait totally overreacted," Vi protested. She waved a hand around in agitation. SMASH went the armrest of Karma's couch. "Jinx said my fat hands made my boobs look small, she had it coming! What does that pettanko know about boobs anyway?"

Karma looked down at her clipboard. Caitlyn had helpfully provided a yes checkbox and a no checkbox to the all-important question: Cleared for active police duty?

Meanwhile, Vi tried to prop the coffee table back up. In doing so, she managed to destroy no less than an end table, the ceiling fan, and Karma's decorative potted plant named Herb.

Karma's pen hovered over the clipboard.

Only one of those boxes would get Vi out of her office and away from her furniture.

Her course was clear.

**Monday – Evening – Multipurpose Room D: The Ionians**

"Good evening everyone," Karma greeted. She and many of the other Ionians were sitting (well, Kennen was more vibrating – sitting still was hard on the little yordle) on folding chairs arranged in a circle. "Welcome to the Obsessive-Compulsive Balance Support Group. I think we all know each other, so why don't we go ahead and start?" Karma paused for formality's sake, then continued. "So does anyone want to share anything about how balance has affected them this week?"

Shen raised his hand. "This week, I balanced the hospital budget," he announced.

"And how did you do that, Shen?" Karma asked, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut.

"I raised the prices for all basic services by 75%," he said proudly. "And all other services by 150%."

Karma tried really, really hard not to sigh loudly. So she sighed quietly instead. "And Shen, do you think this is a good example of balance or a bad example of balance?"

Before Shen could respond, Wukong jumped in. "Bad balance, duh."

Shen crossed his arms defensively. "So what have you balanced this week, Master Kong?"

"Uh," Wukong stammered. He scratched his head. Then… "I balanced on my tail!" he said. He jumped out of his seat and demonstrated. "See?"

The Ionians gave him some awkward applause. Soraka handed him a banana as he took his seat again.

"I'd like to say something about balance," Irelia suddenly said.

Karma refrained from rubbing her temples. Lath rian oune vi. "Yes, Irelia?"

"Lesbians," said Irelia.

"I'm sorry, I don't follow," said Karma.

"Lesbians," Irelia repeated. "This league is full of Lesbians."

"How does that relate to balance?" Karma asked, already afraid of the answer.

"Lesbians are unbalanced!" Irelia declared. "There are men and there are women – there are two and two halves balance perfectly and are naturally meant to be together as equals, thus keeping the world in balance and-

"What's gotten into her?" Master Yi muttered to Akali.

Akali shrugged. "She's been going on about this ever since Syndra hit on her in the locker room…"

"Oh, so that's what that was," said Wukong. "Humans are so weird sometimes."

Akali stiffened. "You weren't even there!"

Wukong leaned back in his chair and took a bite of his banana. "I get around."

**FLASHBACK!**

Irelia, wrapped in a fluffy white towel, stepped out of the shower at the pool locker room.

And there was Syndra. Fully dressed. Smiling. "Hey, Irelia, I like your… sword."

Irelia choked.

"You know, I have a lot of balls. And… swords and balls go together."

Syndra chuckled and then looked immensely proud of herself.

Irelia stepped back into the shower and drew the curtain shut. She wasn't sure what just happened, but she felt really, really dirty.

**END FLASHBACK!**

"-and that's why marriage is between one man and one woman," Irelia finished.

"Does this mean you're not going to Lux and Riven's wedding?" Varus asked.

"Lux and Riven are getting married?" Soraka asked.

"That's what Garen told me when I ran into him at the gym," said Varus. He stroked his washboard abs. Washboard abs took a lot of work and he was very proud of them. Also, his long flowing hair. He was proud of that too.

"Someone should probably tell Lux and Riven then," said Soraka.

"And on that note," said Karma as she pulled a bottle of Advil out of her purse, "I think we can end today's meeting. I hope to see you all here next week. And Irelia – I have an opening at 3 pm tomorrow. Why don't you come in so we can… discuss your League of Lesbians theory."

**Tuesday – Back at the Office – Morning: Riven**

"So I hear you're marrying Lux," Karma said.

On the couch (repaired courtesy of duct tape and bubblegum), Riven froze. "Who told you that? Wait. I know." Riven swore. "He wasn't supposed to tell anyone! I haven't actually proposed yet! It's supposed to be a surprise!" She got up and grabbed her sword. "When I get ahold of him…"

"Don't you want to finish your session?" Karma pleaded. "You said you were upset about catching Nerf…?"

Ignoring the therapist, Riven marched to the door and tried to open it. She failed.

Karma started, "It's a pull do-

Riven kicked the door down and stormed out.

Karma stared at the remains of her door. Gaen. Na. Kyri. Vi.

**Tuesday – The Office – Afternoon: Irelia**

"So, you think this is the League of Lesbians," Karma started.

"I can prove it," said Irelia.

"Can you?" asked Karma.

Irelia nodded. And then she pulled out a graph. "There are one hundred seventeen of us," said Irelia. "Of those one hundred seventeen, thirty eight are humanoid females. Of those thirty eight… Riven. Lux. Katarina. Ashe. Caitlyn. Vi. Leona. Diana. And then everyone knows Ahri and Miss Fortune and Cassiopeia aren't picky. And Sejuani must be a lesbian – just look at her. And Syndra was hitting on me in the shower! Almost thirty five percent of the women here are gay."

"More than that…" Karma muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing," said Karma. "And why does the idea of a League of Lesbians upset you so much?"

"It's unbalanced! What are all the men going to do?"

"Be gay," said Karma.

"And it's just not natural," Irelia continued, as if she hadn't heard Karma. "In a natural human population, a generous estimate of the occurrence of homosexuality is ten percent, so-

"Irelia," Karma said, holding up her hand and stopping the rant. "There's a very simple solution to your problem."

Irelia paused. "What?"

"You need to get laid," said Karma. "Think of this as internal balance. You can't balance the world if you're a raving lunatic."

Irelia huffed. "Are you saying-

– annnnddd look at that," Karma said. The Ionian therapist got up and pushed open the fractured remains of her office door. "Time's up, your session is over, leave your insurance information at the front desk and I'll see you next week."

**Tuesday – Evening – Multipurpose Room A – Sibling Workshop**

"-and today, she stole my pentakill," Katarina finished. She glared at her sister.

Cassiopeia rolled her eyes. "Clearly you weren't killing them fast enough."

"Katarina," Karma began – but then she was cut off.

"Can we talk about me for a minute?" Draven demanded.

"NO!" yelled everyone in the circle.

"But I'm Draven," said Draven.

Nasus wrapped a paw tighter around his axe. "Do not try my patience."

"Feh," said Renekton as he picked some… let's not think about who that used to be… out of his teeth. "Only worthwhile thing you've said all week."

Kayle sighed and said to Nasus, quite loudly, "Isn't it such a shame when the youth lack wisdom?"

"I'm sitting right here!" Morgana snapped.

Nasus bowed his oddly banana-shaped head. "I walk through the ages – but stupidity: it is never ending."

Renekton growled.

Katarina leaned over to the crocodile. "You know, violence solves everything."

And that was really all it took.

Sitting way back from the fight, Lux handed Garen a bag of popcorn. "I love you Garen."

Garen took a handful of popcorn and passed the bag back. "I love you too Luxanna. I'll love you more when you're married and not living in sin anymore. You really need to have the wedding before Riven knocks you up, you know."

Lux's eye twitched. She snatched the popcorn back. "Garen, that – oh, you know what?" Lux paused and then smiled. "Teemo."

Garen shrieked and jumped out of his chair – straight into the sibling brawl.

Lux ate a few more bites of popcorn and then walked over to join Karma, who was hiding under a table. "Maybe don't help Garen with his Teemo problem after all," she said. "It's very convenient."

**Wednesday – The Office – Morning: Syndra**

Karma opened her poor destroyed door for Syndra. The Ionian therapist gestured to the remains of her couch. "Please, sit."

Hovering several inches above the floor, the Dark Sovereign surveyed the wreckage of the room. "I'll float," she said.

"Suit yourself," said Karma, who sat down on her chair – the one piece of furniture that wasn't in pieces (because she'd been sitting on it and thank-you-baby-Buddha Vi hadn't accidently punched her out the window). "What would you like to talk about?"

"I like Irelia," said Syndra.

"Okay," said Karma. "What about liking Irelia would you like to talk about?"

"I like Irelia!" said Syndra, with much more gusto than the last time.

Karma briefly weighed the pros and cons of buying a bottle of scotch and keeping it in her office. What the hell kind of social graces were they teaching in the temples these days? Putting her many years of experience to work, Karma guessed, "So the problem is that Irelia doesn't like you back?"

Syndra held up a hand and an orb of dark power collected there, casting a sinister glow all over the room. "She will."

Karma gulped. Visions of a kidnapped Irelia danced through her head. "Ah, yes, she will – after you improve your flirtation technique-which-does-not-involve-violence!"

Syndra let the orb evaporate so she could cross her arms. "My flirtation technique leaves nothing to be desired. Just yesterday -

**FLASHBACK**

Irelia was eating lunch when it crashed into her table. The Will of the Blades let out a most undignified squeak and leapt backwards. "What is that!?" she shouted.

Syndra smiled and posed. "I got you a piece of Ionia!"

**END FLASHBACK!**

"Right, nothing to be desired," Karma muttered.

"Exactly!" said Syndra.

"I know," said Karma. "Why don't you get her something less… violent. Like a level! Ionians love levels!"

"Level?" Syndra asked. "As in… leveling up? Like in video games? I like leveling up."

"No, no," Karma said, shaking her head. "A level as in the kind of thing you get at a hardware store to see if something is balanced. That kind of level."

"Hm. I'll try it then…" said Syndra.

"Good!" said Karma. "Now if you'll just leave your insurance information with the front desk, I have some calls I need to make…"

**Wednesday – The Office – Afternoon: Jinx**

Jinx looked around the wrecked room. "Cool place you've got here, Ambiguously Brown Lady. Looks like something my sister decorated." The maniac plopped down on the sagging couch.

"That's very nice of you *hic* Jinx," said Karma as she tried to hide her very large bottle of scotch.

Jinx kicked back and stuck her feet on the arm of the couch so she could lounge properly. "So what're we doing this time? Schizophrenia? Borderline personality disorder? Bipolar? Horrible, awful, crippling… boredom?"

Finding nowhere to hide her scotch, Karma gave up and took a very large chug straight from the bottle. "I need a, uh, fav-, uh… favor!"

Jinx sat up straight and grinned. "Oh really? If I help, will you just pretend I showed up to all those court mandated therapy appointments I missed?"

"Yeah," said Karma. She took another chug. "Syndra. Irelia. Make it happen."

Jinx rubbed her hands together. "Can do, Ambiguously Brown Lady!" She pulled out a handful of explosives for dramatic effect. "This is going to be fun!"

And then one of the bombs slipped out of her fingers.

"Oh fuck," said Karma.

**Wednesday – Evening – Multipurpose Room A: Alcohol And Me – How to De-stress Without Getting Hammered**

Karma staggered in clutching her booze tightly.

The various and assorted just-about-everyone-from-the-League stared at her.

Karma stared back. She blinked. She blinked again. Then, "We're relocating today's meeting."

"Where?" someone asked.

"THE BAR," said Karma.

**Thursday – What's Left of the Office – Morning: Piltover's Finest**

"So you last saw Syndra yesterday morning?" Caitlyn asked. The sheriff was standing in the middle of the soot-stained room with her notepad and pencil out. Vi was sitting by the broken window, being bored and watching something or another outside.

Karma, nursing one hell of a hangover, groaned, "Yes… wait. Oh, wait. Oh no. Has she done something?"

Caitlyn shrugged. "We're not sure. She, Irelia, and Jinx all disappeared, presumably yesterday. We didn't discover it until this morning when they failed to appear for their scheduled matches."

Karma was entirely too hungover to feel the least bit guilty. "Oh, imagine that," she said.

Caitlyn was about to proceed with her interrogation when Vi screamed "SQUIRREL!" The enforcer then proceeded to punch a massive hole in Karma's wall and go running after a small rodent.

Caitlyn facepalmed.

Karma massaged her temples. "Who gave her a badge, anyway?" she asked.

"You're the one who cleared her for active duty," snapped Caitlyn. The sheriff stomped over to the brand new window. "VI! VI GET BACK HERE!"

When Vi kept chasing the squirrel (which, most likely, was actually some poor fool who'd bumped into Lulu), Caitlyn sighed. She pulled a cupcake out of her hat. "VI!" she shouted. "I HAVE CUPCAKES!"

Vi stopped chasing the squirrel and her head whipped around. And then she saw the cupcake.

Karma groaned as what remained of her office wall disappeared.

**Thursday – What's Left of the Office – Afternoon: Ziggs**

"Please," Karma moaned, "Please don't blow up anything here."

Ziggs poked around the debris that covered the floor. "Not much left to blow up," he said.

"I know," groaned Karma.

Ziggs picked up a bit of explosive casing and sniffed it. "Jinx?" he asked.

Karma nodded.

"She came by and picked up some special-made toys yesterday," Ziggs said. "She said something about how her favorite movie is Saw."

And yet.

And yet.

And yet Karma just couldn't bring herself to give a fuck.

**Thursday – Evening – Multipurpose Room C: Zaun**

Karma walked in.

Karma looked around.

"No," she said.

Karma walked out.

**Friday – Morning – Morgana's Bakery**

Karma was savoring her day off at Sinful Succulence. She'd walked in, Morgana had taken one look at her, and then the fallen angel had given her a glass of milk and a plate of fresh baked cookies, on the house. Every time she finished her milk or cookies, Pantheon would come over and refill her glass or give her another plate.

It was very… nice.

So there Karma was, trying to discreetly oogle Pantheon's abs, when she saw it.

Irelia walked in. Glowing. Like, glowing metaphorically but also actually glowing as in throwing off little tendrils of black energy. The Will of the Blades was smiling.

And behind her was Syndra, looking, as always, quite pleased with herself.

Karma's jaw dropped.

Jinx slid into the seat across the table from her. "I do good work," said the lunatic.

"How did you… what…?" Karma stammered.

Jinx waggled a finger. "A magician never reveals her secrets! Besides, this week is all about you." She paused and winked at one of the walls. "So about those court ordered appointments…"

"So about my office that you blew up," Karma replied.

Jinx waved a hand dismissively. "All replaceable."

"My diploma was in there!" Karma argued.

"Psh," said Jinx. "Where'd you get it that you can't just call the school and ask them to send you a new one?"

"… the internet."

"ME TOO!" said Jinx.

"Say…" Karma began…

**Epilogue – Friday – Afternoon – The Office**

Jinx skipped into the decimated office, waltzed over to the biggest chunk of remaining wall and taped her diploma up.

Jinx: Masters in Counselling.

She was in business!


	11. The Wedding

**Monday - Morning**

Taric had just set his bunny-slippers up on the coffee table in front of the television and pulled out his bedazzler when his doorbell rang. The gem knight sighed and got up and hurried over to the door. He'd been at the League long enough to know that if you didn't answer your door fast enough, it had a tendency to disappear.

So there Taric was, opening his door.

And on the other side was Garen. Shirtless. Shirtless Garen. Right there.

"Taric, Demacia has need of you!"

Taric tried not to hyperventilate. The abs. The biceps. The pecs. He failed.

"My lift partner Pantheon has informed me that you would be an excellent wedding planner because you are a poof. He also advised me to take off my shirt when speaking with you."

Trying not to pass out, Taric flailed.

Garen continued, "I have no idea what a poof is, I assume it means wedding planner, and Demacia has great need of a wedding planner."

Gasping for breath, Taric squeaked, "Garen, poof means gay."

Garen nodded sagely. "Ah, I see. You know, my younger sister is a poof. She likes flagpoles. Especially Demacian ones."

Taric blinked. Garen was truly, truly outrageous. "I don't think she does."

Garen shook his head. "I have it on good authority that my younger sister loves Riven's Demacian flagpole!"

"I don't think Riven has a flagpole, Demacian or otherwise."

"Yes she does, I've seen it."

"What."

"Prince Jarvan got her one for Snowdown! They keep it in the living room."

"Oh."

"So will you come to the aid of Demacia?" Garen asked.

Taric weighed his options. On the one hand, Garen was standing on his doorstep. Shirtless. Shirtless Garen. On other hand, Jinx was the new League therapist, so when working for the Demacians destroyed his sanity… "You know, Garen," Taric began.

"Yes? For Demacia?"

"If your sister is a poof, then she is no doubt a quite capable wedding planner herself."

Garen blinked. Why hadn't HE thought of that?

**Monday – Morning**

BANG BANG BANG

Riven rolled over in bed and pulled a pillow over her head.

"It's your turn to get the door, honey," said Lux. The Demacian cheerleader burrowed further beneath the blankets.

"He's your brother," muttered Riven. "And it's your door in your apartment."

BANG BANG BANG

Lux tugged at Riven's pillow. "Our apartment. You're a Demacian now, remember?"

Riven just clutched at the pillow more. "That's not what you were saying last night."

Lux went bright red. "Oh fine, I'll get the door."

BANG BANG BANG "LUXANNA, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?" Garen called. "WHY HAVEN'T YOU COME TO THE DOOR? ARE YOU INCAPACITATED? HOLD ON, FEAR NOT, I'M-

Lux yanked the door open just as Garen swung to kick it down. The Might of Demacia went tumbling down as he fell into the apartment.

Lux looked down. "Garen, where is your shirt?"

Garen looked up. "Lux, where are your pants?"

Lux looked down at herself. She had, thank gods remembered to put on underwear before coming to the door. "It's my house, I can wear what I want to," she said. "Where is your shirt?"

"I went to meet with Taric," said Garen.

Lux squealed and jumped up and down. "RIVEN! RIVEN! GAREN'S FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE!"

An adequately clothed Riven came stumbling out of the bedroom, rubbing sleep from her eyes. "What? I thought he was in a long term committed relationship with Demacia?"

Lux continued to jump up and down. "But he's totally sleeping with Taric."

Garen huffed and pulled himself up of the floor. "I am doing no such thing," he said. "Taric is not nearly Demacian enough for me to ever consider engaging in relations with him." He paused. "I know what 'sleeping with' means, young lady!"

Riven rolled her eyes and started the coffee maker. "And who is Demacian enough? Jarvan? Valor?"

Garen nodded. "Both of them are quite Demacian."

Lux, attempting not to sound too overly disappointed, asked, "So what were you doing with Taric?"

"I was seeking to engage his services-

Riven coughed loudly, "Sex."

-as a wedding planner," Garen finished.

"Who's getting married?" Lux asked.

"You are," said Garen.

Riven froze.

Lux looked at Riven.

Riven looked at Lux.

"We'll talk about this later," said Lux. Lux turned back to her brother. "Garen, one does not simply plan her own wedding. Why don't you… go talk to Karma about this? I'm sure she can get you the help you need."

**Monday – Afternoon**

When the Might of Demacia arrived at his therapist's office, he found it looking quite different from the last time he was there. For starters, it looked like a bomb – or a bunch of bombs – had blown up in the waiting area. And then when he walked into the office proper, one of the walls was gone. And the coffee table was in splinters across the floor. And Karma's potted plant was missing. Oh, and Jinx was there instead of Karma.

Jinx waved. "Heya Garen," she said. She gestured to the office. "Like what my sister did with the place?"

"You have a sister?"

Jinx put a finger to her lips. "Shhh, it's a secret."

"You know, I have a sister," said Garen.

"Really?" said Jinx. "I never woulda known."

"And my sister is getting married," said Garen. "I have need of a wedding planner."

"Well, know what Jinx stands for?"

Garen shook his head.

Jinx grinned. "Stands for best wedding planner ever! Dur!"

**Monday – Evening**

Lux watched her significant other trip and fall in the kitchen. "Riven, really, you don't have to cook," she called out.

Covered in cuts, bruises, and scrapes, Riven glared at the… uhm, the stuff on the stove. "But I want to," she said.

"We could get Ionian take out," Lux offered. "It would probably be safer."

"I'm going to make this work!" said Riven.

Lux sighed and walked over to the kitchen. She took Riven by the hand and pulled the former Noxian away from the sharp pointy instruments of death and destruction. And then Lux got down on one knee and pulled a ring out of her pocket. "Riven, will you marry me?"

"I – but I – I was going to -

Still down on one knee, Lux smiled winningly. "I know this isn't terribly romantic, but the fire marshal banned all candles within five miles of the Institute two weeks ago after that incident with Brand and the yordles, so it's not like we could have had a candle-lit anything. And I know that the ring I'm holding is the one you bought last week, but I wanted to propose to you, not the other way around, and it would have been silly if we both bought different rings. And I know we've only been together a few months, but we both read that fanfic, so we know that this is really true love. So will you marry me?"

"Yes!" said Riven. She pulled Lux up and they kissed and it was all very romantic – at least until the stuff on the stove exploded and the fire department had to come in and everything got soaked. And then they just got Ionian take out.

**Tuesday – Morning**

Jinx crossed her arms and scrunched up her face and stuck out her tongue.

This thinking thing was so hard!

She was sitting in front of a computer, staring at the Wikipedia page for wedding planners.

Jinx. Stood. For. Best. Wedding. Planner. EVER.

… she had no idea what a wedding planner was.

And then it hit her. She pulled out a light bulb and held it over her head. Yes, yes, that was it.

What she needed was a poof!

**Tuesday – Morning**

Taric had just put his sparkling bunny-slippered feet up on the coffee table in front of the television when his doorbell rang. The gem knight sighed and got up and hurried over to the-

BOOM!

The door blew off its hinges hard enough to dent the far wall where it crashed.

Jinx suavely blew some smoke away from the tip of her rocket launcher. "Sup?"

Taric gaped. "My door! I was going to open it!"

Jinx shrugged. "I wanted to blow something up."

"Did it have to be my door?"

"Cheer up," said Jinx. "It could have been your face."

Taric sighed. Well then. He'd been planning on replacing his door with a more bedazzled version anyway. "What do you want?" he asked.

"You," said Jinx. "As a wedding planner."

Taric threw up his hands. "Why does everyone think I'm a wedding planner?"

"'Cuz you're gay," said Jinx.

"Not all gays are wedding planners," complained Taric in his wonderfully low, calm, sonorous baritone. "And how does everyone know I'm gay?"

Jinx opened her mouth into a big ridiculous smile. "Uh, look at yourself." And then she stuck a hand on her hip, stuck out her hip, took her other hand and put her fingers to her lips then fluttered her eyelashes. "Gems? Gems are truly outrageous. They are truly, truly, truly outrageous."

Taric was going to say something, but Jinx kept going -

"Functional and stylish. Ooooh. Emeralds! Rubies! Gems! Ooooooh yesssss."

If Taric had still had a door, he would have slammed it in Jinx's face. But he didn't have a door anymore, so maybe that had been the point. "Go away."

Jinx twirled one of her guns around on her finger. "Make me."

Taric grabbed his giant pink hammer from where it was resting by the door. "Go away."

Jinx was going to respond when Fishbones cut in for her. "Now, this doesn't have to come to violence," said the rocket launcher.

Taric paused and gave Jinx a funny look. "Was that you?"

The blue haired maniac shrugged. "Nah, that was Fishbones."

"I believe we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement," said Fishbones.

"No, that's you pretending to be a gun," said Taric.

"Shh!" said Jinx. "You'll hurt his feelings!"

"Indeed," said Fishbones. "I am quite more sophisticated than my friend here."

"Awwww, we're friends!" said Jinx.

"Now where was I?" said Fishbones. "Ah, yes. You do something for us, and we'll do something for you."

Taric lowered his hammer slightly. "And what is it that you'd do for me?"

"I'm glad that you asked," said Fishbones. "And now I'll let my associate explain."

Jinx patted her rocket launcher. "Thanks Fishbones, you're the best!" And then she turned to Taric. "Ezreal," she said.

"What about him?" Taric said slowly.

"You and that blond twink like each other, right?" Jinx said. "But he's super flakey and not around much. What if I could get ahold of him for you?"

Taric weighed his options. On the one hand, he could get a date with Ezreal. Jinx's matchmaking abilities were quickly becoming the stuff of legend in the League. On the other hand, he'd have to work with the Demacians. But… but he could make it a musical. Lux and Riven's Wedding: The Musical.

Taric smiled.

"Deal."

**Tuesday – Afternoon**

Jinx waltzed into the police headquarters. "Caitlyn!" she called.

Vi stood up from her desk and walked over to get in Jinx's way. "She's busy," the enforcer grunted.

"But it looks like my favorite fatty isn't!" Jinx said. She reached out and patted Vi on the head.

Vi balled one gauntleted hand up into a fist and -

"Vi, you're still on probation!" came Caitlyn's voice from deeper in the office.

Vi lowered her fist. "I hate you," she said through gritted teeth.

Jinx blew her nemesis a kiss and walked past. "Caitlyn!" She went up to the sheriff's door and, in a very civil and polite non-violent manner, opened it like a normal human being.

Inside the office, Jayce was perched on Caitlyn's desk holding a sheet of paper. The sheriff herself had her feet up on the desk and was reading one of her Ionian comic books.

"Karma?" Jayce tried.

"No," said Caitlyn, flipping a page.

"Katarina?" asked Jayce.

"Doubtful," said Caitlyn.

"Kayle?" "LeBlanc? Leona?"

"No. No. No."

"Lissandra? Lulu?"

"You already suggested Lulu," said Caitlyn, rather absentmindedly.

"What are they talking about?" Jinx asked Fishbones.

"Why, I do believe they're speculating as to the identity of your sister by going through a list of female champions in alphabetical order," said the rocket launcher.

"Oh, it's going to take them forever then," said Jinx.

Meanwhile, Jayce, "Nami? Nidalee?"

"Nope, nope…"

"Orianna?"

Caitlyn finally looked up from her comic. "Really, Jayce?"

"Hey, have you two seen Ezreal anywhere?" Jinx asked.

"Not recently, he's quite slippery – really gets around," said Caitlyn. "Why?"

"I need him for Taric," said Jinx. "Can you help me out?"

"Oh, it's about time," said Caitlyn. "And of course I'll help."

"Wait, Ezreal's not a girl?" Jayce asked.

Caitlyn's left eye twitched. "We've been over this before."

"But Vi told me she knew for a fact that-

Caitlyn finally put down the manga. "VI! GET IN HERE!"

Vi stuck her head around the door. "Yeah, cupcake?"

"You told Jayce Ezreal was a girl," said Caitlyn.

Vi snorted and failed to look properly ashamed of herself.

"Go help Jinx find Ezreal. Do whatever she says."

"What? Cupcake!" Vi whined.

Jayce smiled triumphantly at Vi's misfortune. "Hah! You-

"You too!" Caitlyn ordered.

"But-

"GO!"

"Thanks Hat Lady, you're the best!"

**Tuesday – Evening**

And so it was that Jinx, carried in a litter on the shoulders of her two grunts, went up and down the halls of the League searching for Ezreal.

"Ezzzreaaaaal," Jinx called. "Ezzzzreaaaalllll. Herrrrre boy, herrrrreeee boyyyyy!"

"How are you so heavy?" Vi complained. "You're a twig. I don't get it."

"Probably the rocket launcher," Jayce grunted. He was having to bend down as he walked to even out his shoulders with Vi's.

"Hey, Fishbones, I think they're calling you fat," Jinx said.

"Oh dear, Jinx," said Fishbones. "That's not polite at all."

Jinx giggled. "And we all know what happens to rude people!"

Vi and Jayce promptly shut up.

**Wednesday – Morning**

Riven, eating her breakfast cereal, suddenly froze.

Lux glanced up from the morning crossword. "What is it?"

"No one has bothered us for over twenty-four hours," said Riven.

Lux paled. "I have a bad feeling about this."

**Wednesday – Afternoon**

"You don't think you should talk to the bride and groom?" Skarner asked. The crystal scorpion was sitting on the edge of the stage next to Taric, who was plying his mad bedazzler skills on the priest's vestments.

Taric huffed. "Of course not. What do they know about weddings?

Skarner stretched and yawned. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," said Taric. "I'm gay, I know what I'm doing. Now, who should be the priest?"

"Hm. I believe Karma has religious qualifications," suggested Skarner.

Taric shook his head. "No, no, no, it must be a man. That's simply how it's done. And this song I've composed needs a man's baritone for the priest's part."

"So what about Kayle?" Skarner asked.

Taric gave his friend a strange look. "Kayle is… not a man."

The scorpion sighed. Kayle had a very tough exoskeleton. Didn't only male humans grow exoskeletons? That is what his sampling from the League roster indicated. "Monkeys are so strange..." he mused.

Taric sniffed. "Now, do you have any useful suggestions?"

Instead of answering, the scorpion decided to take a nap and leave Taric to his disaster.

**Wednesday – Evening**

Taric was drilling his dancers on their steps for the hundredth time (Varus, despite being great at waltzing, had zero talent for tap dancing and Lee Sin was having a really hard time visualizing the big picture) when Jinx, Vi, Jayce, and Ezreal arrived.

"Yo, Taric!" Jinx shouted from the back of the auditorium. She tapped her litter imperiously and, with a great sigh of relief, Vi and Jayce put her down. Poor Jayce immediately grabbed his lower back and started groaning. "I found Ez," Jinx said.

Taric looked up from what he was doing and blinked. "F-Fabulous!"

Ezreal waved at Taric. There was a flash of light and suddenly he was standing next to the gem knight. "I heard you were looking for me."

Taric nodded. "Ruby for vigor, yes."

Ezreal held up his smart phone. "You could have just used Grindr."

Jinx bopped herself in the head. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"We did think of that," said Vi. "But Jawline here wouldn't let us create a profile for him."

"I'm straight!" Jayce protested. "Straight as a ruler! Straight as a steel rod! Straight as -

"Uncooked spaghetti?" Jinx volunteered.

"Yeah, whatever, Jawline," said Vi.

"Jinx!" Taric called out. "I'm leaving you in charge!" And then Ezreal took his hand and they both vanished.

Jinx rolled her eyes. "Like I know how to plan a wedding." She pulled out a massive rocket, easily three times her size, hopped on it, and lit the fuse. "Vi, Jayce, you're in charge. See ya, suckers!"

BOOM.

Vi and Jayce were left in the theatre as debris from the blasted ceiling fell down around them.

Varus approached with Lee Sin behind him. "My contract says that you cannot require me to put on a shirt," Varus informed them.

Vi was about to say something very rude when she paused. "Hey Jawline," she said. "I'll bet we'd make great wedding planners!"

**Thursday – Evening - Lux**

Lux was just walking home, minding her own business when suddenly someone had grabbed her by the waist and was running off with her.

Lux was about to laser the face off of whoever it was when she recognized the bright pink hair. "VI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT ME DOWN!"

Vi just laughed. "You're going to your bachelor party!"

**Thursday – Evening - Riven**

Riven was about to start making dinner (or something that would vaguely resemble dinner) when someone knocked at the door. Grabbing her sword, just in case, Riven went and opened it.

A limousine was parked outside in the middle of the grand hallway. Lee Sin was standing there, holding one of the car doors open. From inside the vehicle, Jayce poked his head out. "Ah, hello Riven. If you'd just join me, we can get going immediately. We're already late!"

"… to what?" Riven asked, dreading the answer.

"Why, your bachelorette party of course!"

"But I need to cook dinner," said Riven.

Jayce waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry, Lux is being taken care of."

Riven clutched her sword to her chest and hesitantly got into the car. Lee Sin closed the door behind her and went around to get into the driver's seat.

**Thursday – Evening – Back with Lux**

"Surprise!" everyone yelled as Lux entered the bar. The place was decked out in blue and gold and what seemed like all of Demacia was there.

Lux giggled nervously. "Really, you shouldn't have…"

Jarvan puffed up his chest magnificently. "Ah, but it is traditional!"

"No, really, you shouldn't have," said Lux.

"First round of drinks is on me," declared the prince.

Lux sighed. Well, she could go ahead and make the most of it, she supposed. "I'll get an Irish car bomb."

**Thursday – Evening – Riven's Bachelorette Party**

Riven ended up reaching the establishment right on time. She was with Jayce. Of course they were on time.

Jayce threw open the doors of the rather swanky restaurant that he'd chosen and… Nothing.

Inside the restaurant, there was a large table set out for them, but only Cassiopeia and Draven were sitting at it.

Noxians sucked at being on time.

"That spoon is for your soup," Cassiopeia hissed at Draven. "Not for admiring your reflection!"

Draven, dressed in a very smart tuxedo, scoffed. "Every reflective surface is for Draven to admire Draven!"

**Thursday – Evening – Lux, Again**

The party was quite intoxicated when Varus arrived.

"Look, it's the stripper!" an exceedingly drunk Vi shouted.

Valor squawked. Quinn interpreted, "Valor would like to know how he's going to strip if he's not wearing anything to start out with."

Fiora jumped up and down while holding her drink (which promptly splashed all over the very sober and very grumpy Xin Zhao). "I vould like a' danse!" she slurred in her highly accented Demacian.

Lux was hiding at a table in the back of the bar, desperately chugging alcohol in hopes that she'd get drunk enough to deal with the chaos all around her.

Sona floated over to her table.

"Oh, Sona," said Lux. "Thank Demacia, someone sane. What-

The maven of strings grabbed Lux's wrist and pulled the light mage back over to the party and right up to a giant white, gold, and blue cake.

"Oh no," said Lux.

**Thursday – Evening – Lest We Forget Riven…**

Dinner was under way by the time the last Noxian showed up.

Fashionably late, LeBlanc found two place settings open, split into two, and sat down at both.

At the extreme other end of the table, Swain raised an eyebrow and turned to Jayce. "You thought ahead enough to have two seats for LeBlanc? Exceptional."

Jayce preened. "Of course I did. And I also remembered not to invite Singed."

A little ways down the table, Cassiopeia stood – er – slithered up. "I would like to make a toast," she declared, holding her class of red wine high. The diners fell quiet and all eyes turned to the younger Du Couteau sister. "I've known Riven for-

"WAIT!" shouted Draven. He jumped up. "Draven gets to make a toast first!"

Cassiopeia rolled her eyes in exasperation and sat back down. "Fine, whatever," she said. "It's not like I've known the guest of honor for way longer than you have or anything."

Draven raised his glass. "I'd like to propose a toast to Riven, wishing her much joy and happiness for her future with Lux. To every lovely lady bright, I wish a gallant faithful knight. To every faithful lover too, I wish a trusting lady true. To Riven!"

The table raised their glasses and drank. As Draven sat down, Darius leaned over and set his axe against the younger man's neck. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

**Thursday – Evening – Back to Lux**

So Ahri had been in the cake. And then the cake opened and then Ahri was not in the cake anymore. Ahri was, in fact, now in the middle of the room doing a pole dance on Jarvan's flagpole and wearing what was rapidly becoming half the Demacian treasury.

Smiling from ear to ear, Garen walked up to Lux. "Isn't this wonderful?" he asked. "You're getting married! And everyone is having so much Demacian fun!"

Lux massaged her temples and wondered what "Noxian fun" would look like.

**Thursday – Evening – Riven!**

"-and then Riven says, 'no sword is too big for me!'" Sion finished.

The table exploded in a gale of laughter. Katarina stood up, though she drunkenly wobbled on her feet. "Yeah, well, I was there when Riven lost her virginity!"

Riven buried her face in her hands. "Kat, shut up!" she shouted.

"I was there too!" Cassiopeia volunteered.

"Yeah, well, of course you were," Katarina said.

Draven immediately had a massive nosebleed and passed out.

"So there I was," Katarina began, "minding my own business when I hear this noise-

"Kaaaat, pleeeeease," Riven moaned. She was practically hiding under the table at this point.

"A little bit like that, actually," said Katarina. "So then I-

**Friday – Morning**

The first thing Riven noticed when she woke up was that everything smelled like booze. She smelled like booze. Lux smelled like booze. Their bed smelled like booze. The bathroom smelled like vomit – and booze.

Riven brushed her teeth, took a shower, and then brushed her teeth again. When she was done, Lux was sitting on the living room couch, hiding under a blanket. "Riven," Lux groaned.

"Yeah?" Riven said.

"Let's just elope."

"Kay."

**Friday – Afternoon**

Vi and Jayce stood nervously at the back of the chapel.

If the bride and… bride didn't arrive soon, there was a non-zero chance that everything would explode in a fit of violence. The Noxians were making funny faces at the Demacians seated across the aisle and no one had thought to have a weapons check at the door.

And. And Veigar was not at all happy that his priest's outfit was covered in rhinestones.

Taric edged up with Ezreal at his side. "Why aren't there people getting married yet?" the gem knight asked. "My script specifically calls for the wedding vows to be said right now."

Quinn approached the group. "Valor says that Lux and Riven have eloped and are now on their honeymoon," she said. "And Garen's run off after them."

Taric's face went mauve. "But if no one gets married, the post-vow blowout number won't make sense!"

"You know," said Quinn, "You and Ezreal could always get married."

**Epilogue 1**

"Tristana?" Jayce tried.

"No," said Cailyn.

"Vayne?"

"No."

"Then it must be Vi," said Jayce. "Because Zyra is a plant. So Vi is all that's left."

"You recognize that Zyra isn't a possibility because she's a plant, but not that Anivia…" Caitlyn shook her head. "It's not Vi, that's absurd. This entire thing is absurd. Jinx's sister probably isn't at the League anyway."

But Jayce wasn't one to give up so easily. "Vi makes so much sense!" he exclaimed. "It's been in front of us for all this time! Jinx has blue hair, and Vi has pink hair…"

"If they were related, wouldn't they have the same hair color?" Caitlyn asked, applying her immense skills of logic.

"And Vi wears clothes and Jinx doesn't…"

"How does that have anything to do with them being sisters?"

"Vi is tall and Jinx is short…"

Caitlyn just shook her head and gave up.

**Epilogue 2**

Stretched out on a towel at the beach, Riven let out a relaxed sigh.

Lying beside her wife, Lux stretched and adjusted her sunglasses. "It's so nice to be away from everything at the League, for once."

"Mm, yeah," said Riven. "Especially Garen."

Lux nodded. "Especially Garen."

Riven said nothing in reply. She just lay there and enjoyed the peace and quiet as Lux did the same.

Then -

"Lux! Did you remember to use sunscreen? I don't want my nieces and nephews to get skin cancer!"

Riven and Lux both sat up and looked at each other.

"You had to say something," Lux moaned.

**Epilogue 3**

At the beach, kneeling in the sand and working on bedazzling his beach chair, Taric cocked his head to the side. "Ezreal, do you hear something?"

Ezreal frowned. "Yeah. It sounds a lot like…"

Suddenly Garen went running past them.

And then there was a brief flash of light -

"DEMACIA!"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> toast is by walter scott


End file.
